My Mom's gay sex-ed

darcydodo recently said: "I've never seen your family in insane-mode. But wow, apparently they can go there!" You better believe it! A conversation from last night:

trinityofone's family is peacefully eating dinner at her favorite Greek restaurant, The Great Greek. Suddenly, her mom cracks up.
Everyone Else: What? What's so funny?
Mom: Oh, I just remembered something.
EE: What?
Mom: (giggling) Allez vous foutre chez les Grecs.
EE: Huh?
Mom: It means (giggle) 'Go get fucked at the Greeks.'
EE: Ah.
Mom: But it really means, go get fucked up the...
She mouths the word 'ass.' Dad starts looking distinctly uncomfortable.
Mom: But you know, I've never really gotten that, you know? Homosexuality.
trinityofone: What?
Mom: Homosexuality. I don't get it.
trinityofone: How can you not get it?
Mom: It just, you know...
Dad gets up to use the bathroom.
Mom: Okay, now I can talk freely. It just seems painful.
Brother: Aaah! I'm not listening!
trinityofone: Painful?
Mom: Yes. The act itself.
Brother: Not listening not listening not listening!
trinityofone: Ahh.

Now at this point, I should have just let it go. Now was not the time to say, "Well, actually Mom, according to a lot of what I read on the internet..." But could I let it go? No. No, of course not.

trinityofone: You know, there are things.
Mom: Things?
trinityofone: Things. To make it, you know, pleasurable.
Mom: (for the benefit of the entire restaurant) You mean LUBRICANTS?
trinityofone: Yes, but also, you know, the...prostate.
Brother: Shut up shut up shut up!
Mom: OUCH! ...And how do you know all this, anyway?
trinityofone: Er. Well, I have gay friends and we, uh, talk...
Mom: I have gay friends, too, and we certainly didn't talk about anything like that.
trinityofone: Well, uh, it's kind of a new era now, you know.

It is indeed. Luckily, my dad could only spend so long in the bathroom, and I managed to escape. But the lesson here is: if your mom says something weird to you in French, don't ask her to translate. Or maybe it's "Don't say the word 'prostate' at the dinner table." I'm not sure.