I just re-read the original story, and the ending you posted above, and I have to say I think the story as posted is much stronger than the above ending. Because most times when people die there isn't any resolution, except in the mind of the person left behind. The story as posted shows that -- John has to come to terms with his own decisions and his father's reactions to those decisions. This bit is particularly good:
And: Some day you’ll be Colonel Sheppard, too. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Isn’t that what you want?
“It was,” John said. And he started at the sound of his own voice.
Also, it would be a shame to lose this:
Rodney still looked like he wanted to argue, but he was smart enough to know that he wouldn’t ever get anything out of John if John wasn’t willing.
Despite the difficulties you say you had with this, I think the story is very good. And I LIKE that Rodney can see John's father's ghost. It makes him an actual ghost, as opposed to a manifestation of John's unease over his decision.
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Date: 2005-12-17 08:11 pm (UTC)And: Some day you’ll be Colonel Sheppard, too. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Isn’t that what you want?
“It was,” John said. And he started at the sound of his own voice.
Also, it would be a shame to lose this:
Rodney still looked like he wanted to argue, but he was smart enough to know that he wouldn’t ever get anything out of John if John wasn’t willing.
Despite the difficulties you say you had with this, I think the story is very good. And I LIKE that Rodney can see John's father's ghost. It makes him an actual ghost, as opposed to a manifestation of John's unease over his decision.