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I always get nervous when I see author’s notes to the effect of, “Based on a song by [insert band here, the more emo the better].” I will be the first to admit that this is entirely hypocritical and unfair, as I have based at least three SGA stories on U2 songs, and just spent all afternoon working on one based on “The Ocean.” I realized that I could go through my (extensive) U2 catalogue and come up with cracked story ideas based on a bunch of songs in no time at all. So (since I don’t have anything better to do, like, I don't know, write the essay I'm supposed to be working on) I decided to do just that.

A Day Without Me - This is a song about suicide, but it is the world’s JAUNTIEST song about suicide, so I would have a hard time writing something depressing to it. Maybe I could do some sort of It’s a Wonderful Life thing, where an angel Ancient thinks Rodney is depressed and suicidal, and Rodney’s like, “No, it was just that bad chilli I had for lunch,” but the Ancient WON’T HEAR IT, and makes Rodney see what the world would be like if he had never been born, and everything’s a mess and people are dead and John’s hair looks flat, and Rodney’s like, “Ha! I KNEW IT! You can send me back now.” And the Ancient’s like, “Crap, now I’ll never get my wings Ascend,” but then it has a threesome with John and Rodney so everything’s fine, and Elizabeth goes to Carson for more meds because she keeps thinking she hears bells ringing.

Another Time, Another Place - This song is about two people not being able to find a private place to have sex. So in this story, John and Rodney cannot find a private place to have sex. But then they do. And they do. The end.

Babyface - John is a fashion model, and one day Rodney’s in the supermarket buying, um, bread, and he’s waiting in line, staring at John’s picture on the cover of GQ or something, and then he turns around and JOHN IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Also buying bread. The SAME BRAND. So then they have a very sputtery, very cute conversation over coffee (and bread). And this of course leads to sex, and Rodney is like, “Wow, this is like all my best masturbatory fantasies COMBINED,” and John’s all, “Thanks for that,” but secretly he is TOUCHED, and the relationship gets more and more serious and Rodney’s sometimes afraid that John’s going to leave him for someone “in the business,” but John hasn’t had this much intellectual stimulation in years and at night he buries his beautiful face against Rodney’s neck, and in that moment, Rodney believes that it’s real.

Discothèque - I don’t know, something to do with a gay club and dressing up like The Village People. Rodney wears chaps.

Electrical Storm - All I know about this story is that it’s really angsty and there’s lots of sliding out from between dirty, sweat-stained sheets to go make out in the rain, and lightning ripping the sky, and bodies pressing tightly together as the waves crash over and under and around them. And possibly, John is a mermaid.

Exit - John thinks Rodney has been killed and goes medieval on some alien people’s collective ass. It’s really nasty and dark and frankly, I don’t want to go there.

Fast Cars - Definitely someone is a race car driver.

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me - For some reason, this plays out in my mind as either 1) SGA meets Gypsy, with John as Gypsy Rose Lee, or 2) a story in which John and Rodney are diamond thieves or something. In both versions, I believe there is sex in the back of a limo.

If You Wear That Velvet Dress - PWP. Someone’s in a dress. I think it’s Rodney. I think it’s Human Vacillation-verse. And I think I might actually write this. *shame*

Lemon - Rodney/Sam. Rodney pining. Painful irony. I am emotionally fourteen, and I want this story written SO MUCH.

Stories for Boys - AU where John and Rodney grew up together in some sort of idyllic middle-America that exists only as nostalgia and in certain stories by Ray Bradbury or Stephen King. There’s lots of running through fields, fighting epic battles with sticks, and hiding in a disused hayloft and reading comic books as the rain pours down. There’s also an undercurrent of innocent longing, painful but filled with the promise of a possible future... This is the most emotionally manipulative story EVER, and I LOVE IT.

The Ground Beneath (His) Feet - Because I can never tire of Rodney playing Orpheus.

Tryin’ to Throw Your Arms Around the World - Drunk!fic. Earthside leave drunk!fic, preferably with the bloody nose and the sunrise both, and Rodney holding John’s head in his lap and stroking his hair when he finally comes home, because I guess if Rodney is Orpheus, in this one John gets to play Odysseus.

Two Shots of Happy, One Shot of Sad - The one where John is a tired, world-weary lounge singer and Rodney is, um, his new accompanist, yes, HIS NEW ACCOMPANIST WHO BRINGS JOY AND VERVE BACK INTO HIS LIFE. Verve, people. Yes.

Van Diemen’s Land - It’s the early 19th Century, and John and Rodney are both transported for different—but equally unjust and angst-filled!—reasons to the penal colony in Tasmania. In this hostile, harsh new clime, they find strength, love, redemption—and each other. Possibly, this story would make a good controversial new BBC miniseries. Or the pornier version could be an indie sleeper hit!

Wild Honey - John is a monkey and Rodney is the tree that...okay, no. Just no.

Yahweh - Rodney is God. No, seriously: why hasn’t there been any ‘Rodney is God’ fic yet? Get with the program, people.

Now watch me actually go and write one of these, because I am honestly THAT INSANE.
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December 2012

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