trinityofone | Weird Sex

I realized that I never actually owned up and explained this post. So here's the truth behind my epic porn career!

1. I really was in a lesbian porn movie! Really!
2. I was fully clothed the whole time.
3. Okay, I was an extra. Basically, I got to watch two women have sex (repeatedly and in many different positions!) and for this I got $50 and a free sandwich.
4. This was a good deal.
5. I also had to sit on a couch, staring at the camera and pretending I was watching more sex ensue, while doing some phenomenal "rapt" acting.
6. Which probably looked more like "smell the fart" acting.
7.

akukorax got a line! She volunteered (very enthusiastically!) to do the line about squirting, but instead got to ask about teh buttsex. It was a dynamic line-reading that brought tears to everyone's eyes!
8.

iamsab wrangled lube, and performed her duty with honor and dignity.
9. Important lessons learned about porn:
—Live, it can be quite sex...wait, cut. Can you tilt your hips just a little more...? No, angle out. Right, toward me. Okay. Again!
—"You can do anything you want to her except choke her. Pull her hair, spank her...but no choking!"
—Strap-ons are awesome.
—Back massagers as sex toys I am less sold on.
—Costume choices are important, even when the items in question stay on for literally...okay, they're gone.
—Shaved pussy looks weird.
—Sixty-nines are awesome.
—Mostly, sex, from an observational perspective, looks and sounds kind of ridiculous. I think this is why I prefer smut. Though the word "porn" is much, MUCH more fun to say. Porn, porn, porn. See?
10. In conclusion: yes, that really is what they are getting up to in the back alleys of Van Nuys.

Keeping with the general theme, this week I read a lot of disturbing books about weird sex.

Week 21: 21—27 May

117. The Far Arena, Richard Ben Sapir — An American oil company drilling near Oslo finds a body in the ice. They give it to a Russian doctor who's been experimenting with cryogenics, and lo and behold! He manages to bring the human ice cube back to life. The mystery man remains in a semi-comatose state for days, muttering in a language that no one can identify until tapes are sent to a nun at a nearby convent. It's Latin! OMG THE GUY IS A ROMAN GLADIATOR REVIVED CENTURIES AFTER HIS DEATH!

As you can probably guess, the plot is the main focus of this book, and for the most part it's wicked fun, moving at a very fast clip toward the part I was really waiting for: Lucius Aurelius Eugenianus' introduction to the modern world (which, since this book was written in the '70s, actually seems amusingly unmodern in a lot of ways). Unfortunately, just as we were getting to the good stuff, the story gets a little bogged down with a sideline about the oil company's machinations. Further, the characters are much more of the servicable type than the kind that leap off the pages, and there are several moments that just seem...off, like when the guy who found the body, Lew, finally "finds the balls" to chew out his ungrateful wife and daughter. I think this is supposed to be a heroic moment, but he just sounds like Alec Baldwin indulging in answering machine rage. All in all, this was a fun read, but far from a great one. If I'd been alive in the '70s, I bet I would have enjoyed reading it on a plane.

118. This Can't Be Happening at MacDonald Hall!, Gordon Korman — Thanks to the public library, I was finally able to find out what people were talking about when they squeed about Bruno & Boots. Of course, soon after the fickle library gods betrayed me: only the first book is available, which is a TRAGEDY, because this series is clearly great, funny and delightful and truly squee-worthy. Note: I do not add "slashy," because while the book is, I feel uncomfortable slashing anyone who is, as Korman establishes, "not yet old enough to shave."

However, the cover artist clearly did not agree with me. What message am I supposed to take from a cover like this?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I ask you.

*goes back to hoping the eBay gods are kinder than the library ones and that the whole series shows up for sale*

119. Bear V Shark, Chris Bachelder — Bear V Shark was Bachelder's first novel, U.S.! was his second, and reading them, you can really tell that they were written in that order. U.S.! is much more accomplished, whereas Bear V Shark, while clever, suffers from being far too one-note. It's also more bleak and depressing, eviscerating American culture—which, in a not-too-distant future where televisions no longer turn off, involves a nation that has become obsessed with a virtual fight between the titular animals—without leaving even the shred of hope or optimism U.S.! offered. Plus, the (intentional) errors in fact that all the characters spout (a Gordian knot is referred to throughout as a guardian knot, for example) drove me insane. I can't stand that amount of dumb! Not even in the cause of satire! *pants*

However, it is very amusing to picture Stephen Colbert reading this novel. I'm thinking audio book?

120. The James Tiptree Award Anthology 1, Ed. Karen Joy Fowler, et. al. — A somewhat random collection of past Tiptree Award winners, most of these stories were at least somewhat interesting. One bored me to tears; one, Ruth Nestvold's "Looking Through Lace," absolutely blew me away (ETA:

thelastgoodname informs me that this story is online—yay!); and one contained assbabies. Like, seriously, hardcore assbabies, gestated IN THE ASS. Geoff Ryman looks at fandom and goes, "Beat that, punks!"

Anyway, this was mostly a really interesting and worthwhile collection. I hope I can get my hands on the next two volumes.

121. The Breast, Philip Roth — Or, the one where a man turns into a giant breast. I...really have no idea what to say about this book. It's probably just about as creepy and disturbing as you would imagine, and depending on how good your imagination is, possibly a little more so. I think I must have been in a weird mood this week, to have read this and the assbabies both. Further, continuing in the spirit of Bear V Shark, I have to say that I'd be curious to see Roth go head-to-head with Ryman. Who could disturb readers the most in fifteen rounds?

122. Knots and Crosses, Ian Rankin — The first John Rebus mystery, which I'd hoped would really grab me and thus give me a whole series to enjoy. Sadly, grabbed I was not. Like most mysteries I've read, this failed to do much for me; I was particularly frustrated in this case because the book takes the "the reader knows more about what's going on than the protagonists do" angle, which in a mystery like this has the unfortunate effect of making all the characters seem really, astonishingly dumb. Rankin tries to give his inspector some psychological complexity, but he's really rather unsubtle about it; further, the book ends on a truly bizarre note. I do not think I shall be reading the rest of the series.

I'm surprised I don't like more mysteries. You'd think I would; one of my favorite phrases in the English language is "...and together they fight crime!" Maybe the together part is what I'm missing; so many of these fictional detectives seem to be desperate, semi-pathetic loners. Does anybody have any recs for books about fabulous crime-fighting teams? (Besides Peter and Harriet, natch.)

Total Books: 122

Current Mood: lazy

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121. The Breast, Philip Roth

OMG. I really thought I had hallucinated this one. I read it as a 13-year-old candy-striper. It was on the book cart that I trundled around to patients. I pretty much read everything I could get my hands on at the time including the backs of cereal boxes, but sheesh. Creepy and weird is definitely how I remember it. I don't think I finished it and a book had to be exceptionally bad back then for me to give up on it.

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