HIMYM Fic: Ten Dreams (Barney/Robin)
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityofoneI seem to just be writing randomly in random fandoms now. And this story is very random. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the HIMYM finale, so I had to write something. So here it is: some thing.
Title: Ten Dreams Barney Had While Recovering at the Hospital (Only Some of Which Can Be Blamed on the Morphine)
Pairing: Barney/Robin (though really no more than the show is right now *g*)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through ‘Miracles’
Length: ~1,600 Words
Summary: Exactly what the title says.
Author’s Note: Huge thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
siriaeve for all her help and brilliant suggestions.
Ten Dreams Barney Had While Recovering at the Hospital (Only Some of Which Can Be Blamed on the Morphine)
1.
He is surrounded by an indeterminate number of sexy nurses. “Oh, Barney,” they coo, they moan, they whisper against his skin. They are over him and under him and all around—swarming, faceless. Through the mass of limbs, of smooth, bare skin and starched white cotton, he can just make out the visitor’s chair. A giant boob wearing a suit of money is sitting there. It gives him a thumbs up.
2.
He shows up at work only to realize he’s naked. It’s awesome.
3.
He’s in his apartment, sitting on the couch watching TV, his eyes watering joyously from the retinal strain. Suddenly, his stomach drops, and he knows with that deep dream-certainty that something bad is about to happen. Don’t turn around, he thinks, even as the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he does, he turns around. His lifesize Boba Fett is standing there, staring down at him. He shouts, soundlessly, and tries to twist away, but it’s like his limbs are made of jelly; he can’t move as Boba advances on him, as the galaxy’s most expert bounty hunter seizes him between his gloved hands, choking him as a Japanese game show plays brightly in the background.
Ted is doing his rain dance in a pool of Jell-O for a chance at a brand new car when Barney dies.
4.
He’s in his apartment, only it isn’t his apartment, it’s the apartment he grew up in. He’s playing hide and seek with James, only sometimes James is Ted, and sometimes James/Ted is Marshall, and at least once, as a shadow slipping past a closed closet door, James/Ted/Marshall is Robin.
The halls are all a lot longer and darker and twistier than he remembers. He slinks along, looking over his shoulder. His hand, trailing along the wall, keeps creeping closer and closer to the wainscoting. He can’t let them find him—those are the rules of the game. Those are the rules of the game, and Barney loves to win.
He hears footsteps and hurries over to the clothes hamper, lifting the lid. It’s dark inside. For a moment, he hesitates—does he really want to go in there? All alone? But he can’t let them find him. He climbs inside and pulls the lid shut tight.
The clothes are heavy and warm around him—and then suddenly they comfortable padding is gone. He’s exposed! He ducks behind a fake plastic rock, grateful for the cover. Bright colored lights flicker from the ceiling, washing over him in complicated patterns. The gun in his hand is a heavy, reassuring weight.
He takes stock of his position. In the distance he can hear laser fire—but how close? How far? He could just stay here and wait, but he doesn’t want to get pinned down. He starts to move, threading his way through the obstacles, plaster and metal and wood.
He doesn’t see his assailant, but he knows the second he’s been hit because suddenly he’s on his back. “Quick!” says Stella. “We need to perform the surgery! Nurse, scalpel! STAT!”
“Wait,” says Barney. He feels hazy; he can move his arms or legs. “You’re not that kind of doctor!”
“No, but I play one on TV,” says Stella. “Scalpel!” she adds. “STAT!”
“DIE!” screams Lily, even louder, charging into the operating theater/laser tag course with a wooden stake in her hand. She plunges it into Stella’s chest, and Barney watches as Ted’s girlfriend explodes in a cloud of dust. “TAKE THAT!” screams Lily.
Sandy Rivers appears at her side, grappling with a large book that he needs both hands to hold. “In today’s prophesies, it appears there’s a story about a giant boob,” he says, speaking for some reason in a snooty British accent. “Lily, you need to work on your form. I believe the boob is expected to start lactating scotch…”
Barney struggles to get up, but he’s still paralyzed.
“Did somebody call for a doctor?” asks the guy who lived in a place called the mirror about fifteen years ago when they were both a lot less awesome. “Well, here I am! Let’s open you up! I always like to start the morning with a good, anesthesia-free heart surgery!”
“They need to take seven and they might take yours,” adds Sandy. He emits a long-suffering and stuffily British sigh. “It’s not like you’re using it, anyway.”
Behind him, Marshall’s crazy-eyed coffee shop girl massages the giant boob in exchange for its money suit’s left sleeve.
5.
The one about the evil kangaroos.
6.
“Come on, we have to go,” says Ted.
“Where are we going?” asks Robin.
“That big exciting place where we all really want to go.”
“Oh! I’ve always wanted to go to that big exciting place where we all really want to go!”
“Well, we should head out. Lily and Marshall and all the other cool people we know now or have ever known are already there.”
“Is Kevin Bacon there?”
“Of course!” says Ted. “Also, there’s a buffet featuring tons of actual bacon. What up?”
He and Robin high-five.
“So I guess that’s everyone, then,” says Robin. “Except wait—what about the robot?”
“Oh, forget the robot.” Ted waves his hand dismissively.
“Yeah, you’re right,” says Robin, grabbing her coat. “I mean, it’s like, ‘Been there, done that!’”
They turn and leave. Barney chases after them. Wait, guys! he tries to say.
“Moist. Moist. Moist,” repeats a robotic voice.
The dream’s perspective lurches and shifts. The whole scene is laid out in front of him and Barney sees himself.
7.
He shows up at work and he’s fully clothed, but he realizes as he’s heading into a meeting with several important government officials, business leaders, and Kevin Bacon, that he doesn’t know how to speak Korean anymore. He stands there, gawking mutely, as Kevin Bacon and the North Korean Vice Foreign Minister tear his poor suit off his body and rip it into shreds right before his eyes.
Robin grabs him before he can scream or start to cry. “Don’t worry, I’ll kiss it better,” she says. They lie down in the sand and she presses her lips to his shoulder where a few strands of Italian silk still cling. Her blonde curls brush gently against his neck.
They’re totally making out, Burt Lancaster/Deborah Kerr-style. Robin hovers above him. She’s so beautiful he can’t stand to look at her, so he squeezes his eyes shut tight. It doesn’t work. It’s like he can see her through his eyelids—he can see her everywhere.
She kisses him, her white dress sliding down, revealing enticingly bare shoulders. “Barney…” she says. “Barney. You have stuff on your chin.”
“Huh?” He lifts a hand and rubs at his face. “What?”
She sits up, anger evident in the sharpness of her posture. “I thought you told me you got rid of that!”
“What?” he says. His wet hair clings salty and sticky to the back of his neck; it itches. “I did! Robin…!”
But she’s already walking away across the sand, past the lounge chair where a giant boob wearing a swimsuit of money is sipping a Mai Tai.
Even in his sleep, Barney thinks, I’m going to kill Marshall and Lily.
8.
The one about the evil kangaroos vs. the ninjas. (Spoiler alert: the pirates win.)
9.
Ted is getting married. He looks ravishing in a metallic lace trumpet gown with a halter and sweep train. Marshall cries copiously. Robin and Lily sit off in the corner, smoking Cubans and knocking back 50-year-old scotch.
The time comes to catch the bouquet and Barney is pushed and shoved into the center of a crowd of rabid, jostling bachelors. “Hey, watch it!” snaps Kevin Bacon, lifting his skirts. Barney tries to duck away, but he’s trapped by the press of bodies.
He doesn’t even see the bouquet until it smacks him, pungent and thorny, square in the face.
10.
He’s lying in a hospital bed. He aches all over and he can’t move. He stares at the ceiling and the brown water stains seem to meld and shift, forming faces and shapes. It’s quite possible that they’re mocking him.
The quality of the air changes as the door opens and she comes in. “You awake?” she asks. Without waiting for an answer: “So I went to your apartment. I tried to find something to read, but there was nothing but a bunch of leather-bound copies of Hustler and all the Harry Potter books.” She raises an eyebrow.
“They’re first editions,” he says, tongue thick in his mouth. “It’s an investment.”
“Uh-huh. Anyway, I thought instead I’d introduce you to the joys of Canadian literature.” She holds up a book so he can read the cover. “See? Michael Ondaatje!”
“The English Patient?” he says, with dawning horror. “Robin…you wouldn’t…”
Her smile is positively wicked. She clears her throat, puts on her best news anchor voice. “’She stands up in the garden where she has been working and looks into the distance…’”
Barney groans and fumbles with the plastic control switch. “Morphine…can’t work…fast enough…”
Robin laughs and his heart races like the drugs have finally hit it. “If you’re good, Barney, I’ll read aloud from the Hustlers later.”
“And you’ll describe all the pictures?” he asks hopefully.
“I’ll describe the pictures.”
She turns back to the book. “’She has sensed a shift in the weather,’” she reads. Her voice washes over him. “’There is another gust of wind, a buckle of noise in the air, and the tall cypresses sway…’” It has a strange, dreamlike quality, the words and her voice, her hand laid beside his on the bed.
Barney closes his eyes and tries not to think about how this one will end.
And now I've written fic for a sitcom! I can't believe it. Especially since all I want to do now is write more.
Title: Ten Dreams Barney Had While Recovering at the Hospital (Only Some of Which Can Be Blamed on the Morphine)
Pairing: Barney/Robin (though really no more than the show is right now *g*)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through ‘Miracles’
Length: ~1,600 Words
Summary: Exactly what the title says.
Author’s Note: Huge thanks to
siriaeve for all her help and brilliant suggestions.Ten Dreams Barney Had While Recovering at the Hospital (Only Some of Which Can Be Blamed on the Morphine)
1.
He is surrounded by an indeterminate number of sexy nurses. “Oh, Barney,” they coo, they moan, they whisper against his skin. They are over him and under him and all around—swarming, faceless. Through the mass of limbs, of smooth, bare skin and starched white cotton, he can just make out the visitor’s chair. A giant boob wearing a suit of money is sitting there. It gives him a thumbs up.
2.
He shows up at work only to realize he’s naked. It’s awesome.
3.
He’s in his apartment, sitting on the couch watching TV, his eyes watering joyously from the retinal strain. Suddenly, his stomach drops, and he knows with that deep dream-certainty that something bad is about to happen. Don’t turn around, he thinks, even as the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he does, he turns around. His lifesize Boba Fett is standing there, staring down at him. He shouts, soundlessly, and tries to twist away, but it’s like his limbs are made of jelly; he can’t move as Boba advances on him, as the galaxy’s most expert bounty hunter seizes him between his gloved hands, choking him as a Japanese game show plays brightly in the background.
Ted is doing his rain dance in a pool of Jell-O for a chance at a brand new car when Barney dies.
4.
He’s in his apartment, only it isn’t his apartment, it’s the apartment he grew up in. He’s playing hide and seek with James, only sometimes James is Ted, and sometimes James/Ted is Marshall, and at least once, as a shadow slipping past a closed closet door, James/Ted/Marshall is Robin.
The halls are all a lot longer and darker and twistier than he remembers. He slinks along, looking over his shoulder. His hand, trailing along the wall, keeps creeping closer and closer to the wainscoting. He can’t let them find him—those are the rules of the game. Those are the rules of the game, and Barney loves to win.
He hears footsteps and hurries over to the clothes hamper, lifting the lid. It’s dark inside. For a moment, he hesitates—does he really want to go in there? All alone? But he can’t let them find him. He climbs inside and pulls the lid shut tight.
The clothes are heavy and warm around him—and then suddenly they comfortable padding is gone. He’s exposed! He ducks behind a fake plastic rock, grateful for the cover. Bright colored lights flicker from the ceiling, washing over him in complicated patterns. The gun in his hand is a heavy, reassuring weight.
He takes stock of his position. In the distance he can hear laser fire—but how close? How far? He could just stay here and wait, but he doesn’t want to get pinned down. He starts to move, threading his way through the obstacles, plaster and metal and wood.
He doesn’t see his assailant, but he knows the second he’s been hit because suddenly he’s on his back. “Quick!” says Stella. “We need to perform the surgery! Nurse, scalpel! STAT!”
“Wait,” says Barney. He feels hazy; he can move his arms or legs. “You’re not that kind of doctor!”
“No, but I play one on TV,” says Stella. “Scalpel!” she adds. “STAT!”
“DIE!” screams Lily, even louder, charging into the operating theater/laser tag course with a wooden stake in her hand. She plunges it into Stella’s chest, and Barney watches as Ted’s girlfriend explodes in a cloud of dust. “TAKE THAT!” screams Lily.
Sandy Rivers appears at her side, grappling with a large book that he needs both hands to hold. “In today’s prophesies, it appears there’s a story about a giant boob,” he says, speaking for some reason in a snooty British accent. “Lily, you need to work on your form. I believe the boob is expected to start lactating scotch…”
Barney struggles to get up, but he’s still paralyzed.
“Did somebody call for a doctor?” asks the guy who lived in a place called the mirror about fifteen years ago when they were both a lot less awesome. “Well, here I am! Let’s open you up! I always like to start the morning with a good, anesthesia-free heart surgery!”
“They need to take seven and they might take yours,” adds Sandy. He emits a long-suffering and stuffily British sigh. “It’s not like you’re using it, anyway.”
Behind him, Marshall’s crazy-eyed coffee shop girl massages the giant boob in exchange for its money suit’s left sleeve.
5.
The one about the evil kangaroos.
6.
“Come on, we have to go,” says Ted.
“Where are we going?” asks Robin.
“That big exciting place where we all really want to go.”
“Oh! I’ve always wanted to go to that big exciting place where we all really want to go!”
“Well, we should head out. Lily and Marshall and all the other cool people we know now or have ever known are already there.”
“Is Kevin Bacon there?”
“Of course!” says Ted. “Also, there’s a buffet featuring tons of actual bacon. What up?”
He and Robin high-five.
“So I guess that’s everyone, then,” says Robin. “Except wait—what about the robot?”
“Oh, forget the robot.” Ted waves his hand dismissively.
“Yeah, you’re right,” says Robin, grabbing her coat. “I mean, it’s like, ‘Been there, done that!’”
They turn and leave. Barney chases after them. Wait, guys! he tries to say.
“Moist. Moist. Moist,” repeats a robotic voice.
The dream’s perspective lurches and shifts. The whole scene is laid out in front of him and Barney sees himself.
7.
He shows up at work and he’s fully clothed, but he realizes as he’s heading into a meeting with several important government officials, business leaders, and Kevin Bacon, that he doesn’t know how to speak Korean anymore. He stands there, gawking mutely, as Kevin Bacon and the North Korean Vice Foreign Minister tear his poor suit off his body and rip it into shreds right before his eyes.
Robin grabs him before he can scream or start to cry. “Don’t worry, I’ll kiss it better,” she says. They lie down in the sand and she presses her lips to his shoulder where a few strands of Italian silk still cling. Her blonde curls brush gently against his neck.
They’re totally making out, Burt Lancaster/Deborah Kerr-style. Robin hovers above him. She’s so beautiful he can’t stand to look at her, so he squeezes his eyes shut tight. It doesn’t work. It’s like he can see her through his eyelids—he can see her everywhere.
She kisses him, her white dress sliding down, revealing enticingly bare shoulders. “Barney…” she says. “Barney. You have stuff on your chin.”
“Huh?” He lifts a hand and rubs at his face. “What?”
She sits up, anger evident in the sharpness of her posture. “I thought you told me you got rid of that!”
“What?” he says. His wet hair clings salty and sticky to the back of his neck; it itches. “I did! Robin…!”
But she’s already walking away across the sand, past the lounge chair where a giant boob wearing a swimsuit of money is sipping a Mai Tai.
Even in his sleep, Barney thinks, I’m going to kill Marshall and Lily.
8.
The one about the evil kangaroos vs. the ninjas. (Spoiler alert: the pirates win.)
9.
Ted is getting married. He looks ravishing in a metallic lace trumpet gown with a halter and sweep train. Marshall cries copiously. Robin and Lily sit off in the corner, smoking Cubans and knocking back 50-year-old scotch.
The time comes to catch the bouquet and Barney is pushed and shoved into the center of a crowd of rabid, jostling bachelors. “Hey, watch it!” snaps Kevin Bacon, lifting his skirts. Barney tries to duck away, but he’s trapped by the press of bodies.
He doesn’t even see the bouquet until it smacks him, pungent and thorny, square in the face.
10.
He’s lying in a hospital bed. He aches all over and he can’t move. He stares at the ceiling and the brown water stains seem to meld and shift, forming faces and shapes. It’s quite possible that they’re mocking him.
The quality of the air changes as the door opens and she comes in. “You awake?” she asks. Without waiting for an answer: “So I went to your apartment. I tried to find something to read, but there was nothing but a bunch of leather-bound copies of Hustler and all the Harry Potter books.” She raises an eyebrow.
“They’re first editions,” he says, tongue thick in his mouth. “It’s an investment.”
“Uh-huh. Anyway, I thought instead I’d introduce you to the joys of Canadian literature.” She holds up a book so he can read the cover. “See? Michael Ondaatje!”
“The English Patient?” he says, with dawning horror. “Robin…you wouldn’t…”
Her smile is positively wicked. She clears her throat, puts on her best news anchor voice. “’She stands up in the garden where she has been working and looks into the distance…’”
Barney groans and fumbles with the plastic control switch. “Morphine…can’t work…fast enough…”
Robin laughs and his heart races like the drugs have finally hit it. “If you’re good, Barney, I’ll read aloud from the Hustlers later.”
“And you’ll describe all the pictures?” he asks hopefully.
“I’ll describe the pictures.”
She turns back to the book. “’She has sensed a shift in the weather,’” she reads. Her voice washes over him. “’There is another gust of wind, a buckle of noise in the air, and the tall cypresses sway…’” It has a strange, dreamlike quality, the words and her voice, her hand laid beside his on the bed.
Barney closes his eyes and tries not to think about how this one will end.
And now I've written fic for a sitcom! I can't believe it. Especially since all I want to do now is write more.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 05:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 04:37 pm (UTC)I friended you for SGA fic and I get the bonus of HIMYM! WHEEE!
Write more? Pretty please?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 05:22 pm (UTC)I hope I will write more. *pokes brain*
Thanks for reading!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 05:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 05:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 06:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 08:13 pm (UTC)The one about the evil kangaroos vs. the ninjas. (Spoiler alert: the pirates win.)
I started cracking up so hard.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 08:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 08:36 pm (UTC)And the last line is fabulous. Hope you write more. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 09:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 08:46 pm (UTC)(And also good for the ending. Because, awww)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 09:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 08:56 pm (UTC)On top of the straight-up funny, I love the intertextuality -- the allusions to preceding episodes of HIMYM (the robot/s!!!) as well as to the other shows these actors have worked in (Buffy! Firefly! Scrubs!).
And The English Patient! I love that book, and I love Robin so much, and "Barney closes his eyes and tries not to think about how this one will end." actually prompted me to think of how The English Patient ends, but the line works on lots of levels.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 09:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 09:18 pm (UTC)This WINS!
Really funny story!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 10:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 11:16 pm (UTC)this was so completely adorable. oh barney <3
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 12:17 am (UTC)So glad you liked the story, too! Thanks for reading!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-05 11:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 12:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 01:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 02:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 02:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 03:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 02:45 am (UTC)Ted is doing his rain dance in a pool of Jell-O for a chance at a brand new car when Barney dies.
I don't know why, that's just so random that it made me laugh.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 03:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 03:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 03:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 03:56 am (UTC)Especially epic was the giant money-suited boob making multiple appearances in the dreams. That was probably my favorite part in the episode; it's nice to see mention of that little conversation around the fandom. :P
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-06 04:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-07 04:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-07 04:46 pm (UTC)screw 5, number eight was Legen-wait for it-Dairy!
and of course the last one was awesome too.
if i quoted all the lines i love, i'd just repost your story
Date: 2008-06-08 10:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-10 06:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-11 06:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-15 02:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-14 08:12 am (UTC)The little crossover bits were excellent too:
“They need to take seven and they might take yours,” adds Sandy. He emits a long-suffering and stuffily British sigh. “It’s not like you’re using it, anyway.”
Wonderful use of the overlapping actor! And damn, that song is still creepy several years later.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-02 11:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-05 05:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-21 06:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-27 07:44 pm (UTC)So frickin' Barney. Awesome dreams!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-29 11:14 pm (UTC)I think #4 is my favorite (Wesley! Inara!! HUSH REFERENCE OMG!), although #6 is awesome as well. Also: Kevin Bacon!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-02 04:20 pm (UTC)but anyways, this was great, love, loved it muchly :)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-04-13 04:47 pm (UTC)Oh hell, I love it all! Fantastic job on this.