Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

Smart Bitches Trashy Books is having a contest in honor of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners. Two years ago, I held a similar contest. I feel like it's time to bring it back—with a vengeance!

Here are the rules:

1. Comment with the worst sentence you can imagine opening a fic. I am opening this up to any and all fandoms this year, with the caveat that, as the initial judge, I may be more partial to fandoms I am familiar with. Note: the sentence should be a sentence. Crazy punctuation is fine and even encouraged, but opening paragraphs will not be counted. ETA: You're welcome to make as many entries as you like. I'd recommend one per comment for clarity, but I'm not gonna be a stickler on that.

2. On Thursday morning-ish, I will choose my ten favorite entries for everyone to vote on. Feel free to comment on your favorite entries; my opinions on matters unpolitical can often be swayed. ;-)

3. Voting will run through the weekend; on Monday I will announce the winners and possibly some runners-up. There will be prizes! (Most likely a selection of used books on numerous enchanting subjects.)

4. Feel free to link! Let's see if we can make this an omnifannish extravaganza.

And...go!

Comments

[morebliss.livejournal.com]

Looking back, John saw it was really quite obvious that Rodney's lack of self esteem would eventually result in an eating disorder.

[spazatron.livejournal.com]

The thing Fox loved most about Dana was the way she crumpled like a Kleenex when she cried.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Yay! Hurrah for first comment! :)

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Oh, X-Files fic, how I sometimes DO NOT miss you!

[orwhoeveriam.livejournal.com]

Snape had loved him from the first time he looked through his greasy hair to glare at his nearly disfiguring lightening shaped scar.

HP

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, for example those times when he tried to make fun of her civil rights organization for improving the lives of magically inclined folk of lesser stature and looser hygiene, Hermione imagined Ron choking on a piece of magical broccoli, all the while knowing she'd probably cry if he did.

HP again (I feel dirty)

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Harry was sure that Remus wanted him not for being The Boy Who Lived but for who he was inside, because Remus had murmured to Harry repeatedly how good inside he was.

[spazatron.livejournal.com]

P.S. Can we submit more than one?

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Of course!

[spazatron.livejournal.com]

To lesbian vampire slayer Satsu, Buffy Summers really was a lot like cookie dough: wet, sticky and impossible not to stay up all night eating.

[roflolmaomg.livejournal.com]

I can't decide if this is awful or BRILLIANT.

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Discworld! Love.

[cobweb-diamond.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. CLEARLY.

SGA

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

John angrily wiped his wet eyes and runny nose on the sleeve of his uniform jacket; he was done crying.

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

LOL -- wonderful!

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

LOL, OMG.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Gagh. My brain just exploded.

SG-1

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Colonel Jack O’Neill, military man, upright fellow and otherwise righteous dude, was totally down with the fact that the Gwaould (or whatever) were bad news, but that fact was only hammered home to him when he found himself pinned behind a sheep, which he was holding on to for dear life as he tried to keep the damn thing from moving away, as sheep have a tendency do to, and he wasn’t really sure it was actually a sheep anyway, this being planet P3X-something something something, but he figured if the damn trees were the same, maybe this was a sheep; and as another salvo of zat (or whatever) weapons fire sped past the frightened bicuspid, he wove his fingers into its woolly fur and tossed a brief prayer to the heavens above: “What Would Daniel Do?”

House, M.D.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

There was a taxi, or something taxi-like, crouched in the corner of his room, and House knew that couldn’t be right, as the pills he’d taken earlier had clearly been labelled, “Does not cause hallucinations involving taxi cabs,” or at least that’s what he thought he remembered them saying, and yet here he was, and there it was, and so, in the end, he called Wilson, because if anyone would know anything about taxi cabs lurking in the corners of one’s room, it would be Wilson, who was an oncologist.

Re: House, M.D.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

ahahaha, awesome! Yay for bringing the different fandoms. This is perfect—perfectly awful. ;-)

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

John's eyes traced the curves of Rodney's manhood, taking in the smorgasboard (or was that smorgasbord?) that had been laid before him: the weaping head, so reminiscent of that chocolate fountain his ex-wife had insisted on for their wedding reception, but which had never quite worked right, kind of oozing instead of spewing but hey, you know, chocolate; the rigid staff, so much like a stalk of corn-on-the-cob, hot off the grill and coated with butter; and that dark plume of hair, which, now that he thought of it, reminded him of cotton candy, but brown instead of pink and, you know, less sticky; all just waiting to be... oh, wait, cookies!

Re: House, M.D.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

This is actually one of my favourite contests. I'm glad you brought it back. The results are usually wonderfully awful, and a lot of fun to read.

Star Trek: TNG

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Diet Coke being the manna of the gods, Riker liked to make sure that the ‘fridge of the Enterprise was well stocked before every mission; and yet, this time, something must have gone wrong, because all that was in said ‘fridge was regular Coke, and really, that would not do; not when they were being attacked by the Borg it wouldn’t, and if he somehow managed to stay awake for long enough to get them through this most recent attack – he ducked as an explosion occurred quite close to his face – he was going to give that quartermaster a what-for, he would.

SGA

[lavvyan.livejournal.com]

"Oh, yes, give it to me with you're big Satedan dick!" yelled Dr. Rodney MacKay, causing Lt. Col. John Sheppards world to crumble like a wet Oreo becuaes while he was a dick he was certainly no Satedan!

SGA

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Rodney," John sobbed, "you don't have to, I like you, I don't hate you, honest!" but it was too late; Rodney had already swallowed the first worm.