Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

Smart Bitches Trashy Books is having a contest in honor of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners. Two years ago, I held a similar contest. I feel like it's time to bring it back—with a vengeance!

Here are the rules:

1. Comment with the worst sentence you can imagine opening a fic. I am opening this up to any and all fandoms this year, with the caveat that, as the initial judge, I may be more partial to fandoms I am familiar with. Note: the sentence should be a sentence. Crazy punctuation is fine and even encouraged, but opening paragraphs will not be counted. ETA: You're welcome to make as many entries as you like. I'd recommend one per comment for clarity, but I'm not gonna be a stickler on that.

2. On Thursday morning-ish, I will choose my ten favorite entries for everyone to vote on. Feel free to comment on your favorite entries; my opinions on matters unpolitical can often be swayed. ;-)

3. Voting will run through the weekend; on Monday I will announce the winners and possibly some runners-up. There will be prizes! (Most likely a selection of used books on numerous enchanting subjects.)

4. Feel free to link! Let's see if we can make this an omnifannish extravaganza.

And...go!

Comments

[morebliss.livejournal.com]

Looking back, John saw it was really quite obvious that Rodney's lack of self esteem would eventually result in an eating disorder.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Yay! Hurrah for first comment! :)

[spazatron.livejournal.com]

The thing Fox loved most about Dana was the way she crumpled like a Kleenex when she cried.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Oh, X-Files fic, how I sometimes DO NOT miss you!

[orwhoeveriam.livejournal.com]

Snape had loved him from the first time he looked through his greasy hair to glare at his nearly disfiguring lightening shaped scar.

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

LOL -- wonderful!

HP

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, for example those times when he tried to make fun of her civil rights organization for improving the lives of magically inclined folk of lesser stature and looser hygiene, Hermione imagined Ron choking on a piece of magical broccoli, all the while knowing she'd probably cry if he did.

Re: HP

[zillah975]

Hee!!

HP again (I feel dirty)

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Harry was sure that Remus wanted him not for being The Boy Who Lived but for who he was inside, because Remus had murmured to Harry repeatedly how good inside he was.

Re: HP again (I feel dirty)

[zillah975]

*snarf* Excellent. *G*

[spazatron.livejournal.com]

To lesbian vampire slayer Satsu, Buffy Summers really was a lot like cookie dough: wet, sticky and impossible not to stay up all night eating.

[roflolmaomg.livejournal.com]

I can't decide if this is awful or BRILLIANT.

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Discworld! Love.

SGA

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

John angrily wiped his wet eyes and runny nose on the sleeve of his uniform jacket; he was done crying.

Re: SGA

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

That made me chuckle-snicker out loud.

SG-1

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Colonel Jack O’Neill, military man, upright fellow and otherwise righteous dude, was totally down with the fact that the Gwaould (or whatever) were bad news, but that fact was only hammered home to him when he found himself pinned behind a sheep, which he was holding on to for dear life as he tried to keep the damn thing from moving away, as sheep have a tendency do to, and he wasn’t really sure it was actually a sheep anyway, this being planet P3X-something something something, but he figured if the damn trees were the same, maybe this was a sheep; and as another salvo of zat (or whatever) weapons fire sped past the frightened bicuspid, he wove his fingers into its woolly fur and tossed a brief prayer to the heavens above: “What Would Daniel Do?”

Re: SG-1

[astridv.livejournal.com]

♥
I would totally read that fic

House, M.D.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

There was a taxi, or something taxi-like, crouched in the corner of his room, and House knew that couldn’t be right, as the pills he’d taken earlier had clearly been labelled, “Does not cause hallucinations involving taxi cabs,” or at least that’s what he thought he remembered them saying, and yet here he was, and there it was, and so, in the end, he called Wilson, because if anyone would know anything about taxi cabs lurking in the corners of one’s room, it would be Wilson, who was an oncologist.

Re: House, M.D.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

ahahaha, awesome! Yay for bringing the different fandoms. This is perfect—perfectly awful. ;-)

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

John's eyes traced the curves of Rodney's manhood, taking in the smorgasboard (or was that smorgasbord?) that had been laid before him: the weaping head, so reminiscent of that chocolate fountain his ex-wife had insisted on for their wedding reception, but which had never quite worked right, kind of oozing instead of spewing but hey, you know, chocolate; the rigid staff, so much like a stalk of corn-on-the-cob, hot off the grill and coated with butter; and that dark plume of hair, which, now that he thought of it, reminded him of cotton candy, but brown instead of pink and, you know, less sticky; all just waiting to be... oh, wait, cookies!

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, you made me laugh till I cried -- at work!

Star Trek: TNG

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Diet Coke being the manna of the gods, Riker liked to make sure that the ‘fridge of the Enterprise was well stocked before every mission; and yet, this time, something must have gone wrong, because all that was in said ‘fridge was regular Coke, and really, that would not do; not when they were being attacked by the Borg it wouldn’t, and if he somehow managed to stay awake for long enough to get them through this most recent attack – he ducked as an explosion occurred quite close to his face – he was going to give that quartermaster a what-for, he would.

Re: Star Trek: TNG

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

if he somehow managed to stay awake for long enough to get them through this most recent attack

HAHAHA.

SGA

[lavvyan.livejournal.com]

"Oh, yes, give it to me with you're big Satedan dick!" yelled Dr. Rodney MacKay, causing Lt. Col. John Sheppards world to crumble like a wet Oreo becuaes while he was a dick he was certainly no Satedan!

Re: SGA

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

I am laughing out loud. I almost spewed Diet Coke out my nose.

SGA

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Rodney," John sobbed, "you don't have to, I like you, I don't hate you, honest!" but it was too late; Rodney had already swallowed the first worm.

Re: SGA

[almostnever.livejournal.com]

Bwah! :D

SGA

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

After an untold number of hours spent staring into the moonlit sea of Lantea, Rodney solemnly vowed to do anything and everything he could to get Colonel Sheppard's--John's--trust back, even if he died in the trying of it.

Re: SGA

[lavvyan.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, am I bad for wanting the whole fic? *g*

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

"Oh God," John gasped as Teyla panted and huffed and groaned and swore like a Marine, "I want to help, but I can't...oh ick...I know the baby's coming...it's...you've got lady parts!

[wolfshark]

*loses it*

Dammit, how am I supposed to explain this to the office manager?

Stargate: Atlantis

[zillah975]

As Colonel John Sheppard, military commander of Atlantis and beloved protector of two galaxies, watched the sun rise over the Lantean ocean, the waves glittered like the tears in Rodney McKay's limpid azure eyes the night he left, and the dashing Colonel Sheppard reflected on the events of the past week, finally understanding that the wet, tearing sound he'd thought he heard when Rodney McKay had walked away from him had been the sound of his own heart rending in two, and he resolved that no matter how long it took, or how far he had to travel, he would regain the love of the brilliant scientist and win him back from muscle-bound Satedan warrior who—loving McKay at first sight, as all who saw him did—had, with soft and tender words whose use John Sheppard was too manly to ever master, lured him far away to his fortress of seduction among the Pegasian stars.

Re: Stargate: Atlantis

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Hee, fortress of seduction! Win!

SGA

[slashedsilver.livejournal.com]

It wasn't that Ronon was heavy, John decided, it was just he... clunked in an unflattering fashion during the Athosian swimwear awards.

Re: SGA

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

Damn those chain mail bikinis!

[wychwood]

Ray sat in the bullpen and ran the razor-blade despairingly along his arm as he wondered how a balding, big-nosed Polack with too many sisters and a black GTO could ever hope to win the affections of a mighty-thewed red-coated right-maintaining true-hearted Canadian piece of man-meat like Constable Renfield Turnbull.

[love-jackianto.livejournal.com]

hahaha... you had me at 'mighty-thewed red-coated right-maintaining true-hearted Canadian piece of man-meat'. I love how you combined both Rays.

[love-jackianto.livejournal.com]

Whenever Ronon would look at Woolsey with his chocolate brown eyes his manly heart would smolder with lust.

[indybaggins.livejournal.com]

*snorts*

Avatar:TLA

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

"Oh Twinkle Toesy, why" Toph cried, stomping her foot until it went thru (AN: Microsoft Word says this is okay spelling in their spell check but I'm not sure??) the floor, which really hurt because the floor was wood not earth since they were inside there house, which she kept forgeting because she couldn't see on wood, "won't you love me like you love Suger Queen!"

Re: Avatar:TLA

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

I loved the Author's Note. Nice touch!

SGA :)

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

It had started out so well, but who knew sex with Ronon would turn you into a unicorn?

Re: SGA :)

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

Hey, in this fandom? It could totally happen!

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

Rodney stood on the balcony overlooking the crashing waves, contemplating just what it would feel like to have them tear into him and pound his broken body against the metal shores of Atlantis, knowing anything would be preferable to the look Sheppard gave him when he admitted his greatest secret – snuck in with his plethora of awards, hidden behind a certificate of merit from MIT, was his original autographed picture of Richard Grieco from 21 Jump Street, his first and only love.

[debris_k.livejournal.com]

Aw, Rodney! I feel your pain, young!RG *was* made of sparkly love, yes he was!

SGA--this one's for the laaaadies!

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

"Ohhhhh," Teyla moaned and, as her lithe warrior's body arched like a constellation (the one her people called "the Goddess's bow") under the tender ministrations of Elizabeth's clever, beautiful mouth worshiping at Teyla's sweet font of womanhood, she was yet again amazed at how it had taken this woman--this lovely yet lonely woman--from another world to awaken her to the true, pure love that could only exist between two females.

Re: SGA--this one's for the laaaadies!

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHA ohmygod..."sweet font of womanhood...." I gotta' steal that and use it on Annie at some opportune moment...