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trinityofoneAll right, so I ate a piece of pie (pecan, for the record) and decided to cheer myself up by writing some crackfic. Hence:
Title: L Is For the Way You Look at Me
Rating: G
Genre: Crack! Starring Castiel, Dean, Sam, Crowley, Lucifer, two police officers, and a pigeon.
Spoilers: Through 5x14
Length: ~900 words
Summary: Castiel comes up with a new plan to defeat Lucifer. The pigeon is incidental.
Note: I L-O-V-E my betas,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aesc and siriaeve!
L Is For the Way You Look at Me
“Brother,” Castiel asked, “were you sincere?”
“Oh, yes,” said the cherub (third class), bouncing a little on the soles of his feet. “As sincere as a lover’s promise, as a dog’s devotion, as a stunning bouquet of—”
“All right,” Castiel interrupted. “Then I have an assignment for you.”
With the help of the demon Crowley, they tracked down Lucifer to see if their plan had succeeded.
Crowley took one look at the scene in front of them and announced that he thought he was going to be sick.
“I’m going to go get unreasonably drunk,” he told them on the heels of several melodramatic gagging noises, before departing to do whatever mildly but acceptably evil deeds he did in his spare time.
Dean and Sam might have even said goodbye, but neither of them had regained the ability to form words yet. Castiel just chuckled to himself, quietly.
Meanwhile, Lucifer was busy hugging a lamppost. “Mmm, pebbly,” he told it.
From where he was hidden across the street, Sam made a small, high-pitched, and unfortunately inarticulate noise.
A man walking down the sidewalk gave Lucifer an odd look. Lucifer detached himself from the lamppost enough to pull a small, somewhat wilted flower out of his pocket and offer it to the man, who immediately began walking more quickly. “I love you!” Lucifer called after him.
The man hurried on, leaving Lucifer holding his sad flower. For a fraction of a second, the devil hung his head. Then he spotted a group of small, grey bodies pecking at a discarded fast food wrapper. “Oooh, pigeons!” Lucifer cooed, running toward the birds with a limited amount of success. They erupted into the air, badly startling a woman who’d chosen an unfortunate moment to exit the nearby 7-Eleven. “I love you!” Lucifer told her through the onslaught of musty grey feathers. She hit him with her handbag.
“Cas,” Dean managed to croak finally. “Do you have your phone?”
“Yes, Dean.”
“Quick, take a picture.”
As Castiel fumbled with his flash settings, a pair of police officers approached Lucifer, who had somehow managed to capture a pigeon, which he was now cuddling. (The pigeon, deciding to make the best of a bad situation, had accepted being cuddled, on the condition that it be allowed to eat Lucifer’s flower.) “Sir,” the beefier of the two cops said, “we’ve had several complaints...”
Lucifer glomped onto the policeman like the former master of Hell’s greatest ambition in life was to hug him and squeeze him and call him George. This had the unfortunate result of squishing the pigeon between their two bodies, which the pigeon did not appreciate very much. It promptly shat on them, then took off in a cloud of indignant feathers.
“You got that, right?” Dean asked. “Tell me you got that.”
“I got it,” Castiel assured him.
Lucifer possessed the strength of an angel, which meant that the burly policeman was not having much luck extracting himself from his grip. He craned his neck to look at his partner, who was doubled over with laughter. “Uh, Fran,” he said, flushing, “a little help?”
Lucifer had tucked his head against the officer’s neck and was nuzzling him gently. “I have just met you and I love you,” said the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Devourer of Worlds, Father of Lies, and Lord of Darkness.
“There’s a Hare Krishna center up on Venice,” said the female cop, wheezing a little. “Maybe we can take him there.”
It said a lot about the spectacle across the street that nobody noticed when a large naked man appeared behind three particular bystanders. “Did I do good, brother?” he asked.
“You performed admirably,” Castiel told the cherub. “Thanks to you, love has triumphed and shall never be vanquished from this earth.”
The cherub beamed. “Oh, you!” he said, before making Castiel, Dean, and Sam feel very uncomfortable and somewhat personally violated in quick succession, then vanishing.
Across the street, the two police officers were slowly and carefully leading Lucifer away. It was a delicate process, as every few seconds he would become enamored with a new person and/or thing and break away to display his affection. “I’m leaving if he starts humping that fire hydrant,” Sam said.
The fire hydrant’s innocence remained intact, fortunately, as a few feet away from the police car, Lucifer’s neck craned upward as he became suddenly taken by the bigger picture. “Century Boulevard!” he shouted to the street in its entirety. “I love it!”
“It loves you, too, angel!” shouted someone in the crowd.
Lucifer’s face, which had already been sporting an expression of perhaps chemically-supported bliss, grew even more ecstatic. “Thank you!” he shouted back. “I am an angel! And I love you, random human! And I love you, too!” he told the policewoman who was bending him over the car and handcuffing him. “I love humanity! I love this planet! I love L.A.!”
Dean turned to Castiel, face split into a grin and eyes wide with awe. “I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, Cas, but you’re a genius.”
Castiel smiled to himself, quiet and content. “I love you, too, Dean,” he said.
Quoted: Up, Good Omens, and Randy Newman’s “I Love L.A.”
Title: L Is For the Way You Look at Me
Rating: G
Genre: Crack! Starring Castiel, Dean, Sam, Crowley, Lucifer, two police officers, and a pigeon.
Spoilers: Through 5x14
Length: ~900 words
Summary: Castiel comes up with a new plan to defeat Lucifer. The pigeon is incidental.
Note: I L-O-V-E my betas,
aesc and siriaeve!L Is For the Way You Look at Me
“Brother,” Castiel asked, “were you sincere?”
“Oh, yes,” said the cherub (third class), bouncing a little on the soles of his feet. “As sincere as a lover’s promise, as a dog’s devotion, as a stunning bouquet of—”
“All right,” Castiel interrupted. “Then I have an assignment for you.”
With the help of the demon Crowley, they tracked down Lucifer to see if their plan had succeeded.
Crowley took one look at the scene in front of them and announced that he thought he was going to be sick.
“I’m going to go get unreasonably drunk,” he told them on the heels of several melodramatic gagging noises, before departing to do whatever mildly but acceptably evil deeds he did in his spare time.
Dean and Sam might have even said goodbye, but neither of them had regained the ability to form words yet. Castiel just chuckled to himself, quietly.
Meanwhile, Lucifer was busy hugging a lamppost. “Mmm, pebbly,” he told it.
From where he was hidden across the street, Sam made a small, high-pitched, and unfortunately inarticulate noise.
A man walking down the sidewalk gave Lucifer an odd look. Lucifer detached himself from the lamppost enough to pull a small, somewhat wilted flower out of his pocket and offer it to the man, who immediately began walking more quickly. “I love you!” Lucifer called after him.
The man hurried on, leaving Lucifer holding his sad flower. For a fraction of a second, the devil hung his head. Then he spotted a group of small, grey bodies pecking at a discarded fast food wrapper. “Oooh, pigeons!” Lucifer cooed, running toward the birds with a limited amount of success. They erupted into the air, badly startling a woman who’d chosen an unfortunate moment to exit the nearby 7-Eleven. “I love you!” Lucifer told her through the onslaught of musty grey feathers. She hit him with her handbag.
“Cas,” Dean managed to croak finally. “Do you have your phone?”
“Yes, Dean.”
“Quick, take a picture.”
As Castiel fumbled with his flash settings, a pair of police officers approached Lucifer, who had somehow managed to capture a pigeon, which he was now cuddling. (The pigeon, deciding to make the best of a bad situation, had accepted being cuddled, on the condition that it be allowed to eat Lucifer’s flower.) “Sir,” the beefier of the two cops said, “we’ve had several complaints...”
Lucifer glomped onto the policeman like the former master of Hell’s greatest ambition in life was to hug him and squeeze him and call him George. This had the unfortunate result of squishing the pigeon between their two bodies, which the pigeon did not appreciate very much. It promptly shat on them, then took off in a cloud of indignant feathers.
“You got that, right?” Dean asked. “Tell me you got that.”
“I got it,” Castiel assured him.
Lucifer possessed the strength of an angel, which meant that the burly policeman was not having much luck extracting himself from his grip. He craned his neck to look at his partner, who was doubled over with laughter. “Uh, Fran,” he said, flushing, “a little help?”
Lucifer had tucked his head against the officer’s neck and was nuzzling him gently. “I have just met you and I love you,” said the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Devourer of Worlds, Father of Lies, and Lord of Darkness.
“There’s a Hare Krishna center up on Venice,” said the female cop, wheezing a little. “Maybe we can take him there.”
It said a lot about the spectacle across the street that nobody noticed when a large naked man appeared behind three particular bystanders. “Did I do good, brother?” he asked.
“You performed admirably,” Castiel told the cherub. “Thanks to you, love has triumphed and shall never be vanquished from this earth.”
The cherub beamed. “Oh, you!” he said, before making Castiel, Dean, and Sam feel very uncomfortable and somewhat personally violated in quick succession, then vanishing.
Across the street, the two police officers were slowly and carefully leading Lucifer away. It was a delicate process, as every few seconds he would become enamored with a new person and/or thing and break away to display his affection. “I’m leaving if he starts humping that fire hydrant,” Sam said.
The fire hydrant’s innocence remained intact, fortunately, as a few feet away from the police car, Lucifer’s neck craned upward as he became suddenly taken by the bigger picture. “Century Boulevard!” he shouted to the street in its entirety. “I love it!”
“It loves you, too, angel!” shouted someone in the crowd.
Lucifer’s face, which had already been sporting an expression of perhaps chemically-supported bliss, grew even more ecstatic. “Thank you!” he shouted back. “I am an angel! And I love you, random human! And I love you, too!” he told the policewoman who was bending him over the car and handcuffing him. “I love humanity! I love this planet! I love L.A.!”
Dean turned to Castiel, face split into a grin and eyes wide with awe. “I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, Cas, but you’re a genius.”
Castiel smiled to himself, quiet and content. “I love you, too, Dean,” he said.
Quoted: Up, Good Omens, and Randy Newman’s “I Love L.A.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-15 04:10 am (UTC)I love you! And I love this computer, and I love this story, and I love that pigeon!
And I love that I can't type!
:D Ok, I think I'm done.
That was great. Srsly, that's the way 5x14 should have ended.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-15 04:25 am (UTC)