Beating a Dead Horse, or: How Not to Write

[trinityofone]

Sullivan: I want this picture to be a...document. I want to hold a mirror up to life. I want this to be a picture of dignity...a true canvas of the suffering of humanity.
LeBrand: But with a little sex in it.
Sullivan: But with a little sex in it.

So there's been a general sort of "WTF?" reaction to the story I posted yesterday, Horses Over the Hill. And I would just like to take this time to officially say: I completely understand. And also, mea culpa? Because it was a muddled mess, and dude, I feel stupid now. 'Cause it didn't have to be that way.

Several people have asked to see the original version of the story, the one that I threw out at the last minute yet can't seem to stop talking about. ;-) The truth is, the bulk of that version is the same as the one I posted; the only major differences are that the beginning omits the few lines about the Wraith and General Landry (there's never any mention of a possible promotion), and the ending. The ending is very different. So, in the interests of fair comparison and, er, beating a dead horse, I'm going to post the original conclusion here.

************

John is reading War and Peace...

“It didn’t always used to be so bad,” he said. “Things. Between you and me.”

He glanced up. His father was standing closer, a lot closer than he’d been just a moment before, and it should have been creepy, that he had moved without John seeing, without John sensing it. It was okay, though. John didn’t mind.

“Was it,” he asked the mattress, “me? Was it my fault?”

Eyes swerved slowly upward. Just as slowly, his father shook his head.

“But you think--but you thought it was.”

Nothing. He would take that as a yes.

“I couldn’t have known,” John said, feeling the old rage building, trying to slam it down. Too late: the book slipped from between his fingertips, almost casual, like it had been dropped, right up until the moment its spine cracked against the wall. “How could I have known that you’d die? Before--” He sat back down, and that was the first he realized that he’d stood at all. “Before I could make it right?”

And he needed his father to be able to talk to him, to tell him that he was sorry, too; that he had wanted, as much as John had--as much as John still did want that reunion that never was. But his father was as mute as a corpse whose mouth had been stitched shut with glistening thread, and the rest was silence. Nothing but dead air.

John didn’t know what he wanted most, to scream or to cry, and since he’d trained himself pretty well out of both, he settled not too uncomfortably into doing nothing, just sitting on the edge of his bed and staring up at the solid set of his father’s jaw. Not really solid though, is it? he thought, and then the little voice he sometimes heard in the back of his head, the one that sounded kind of like McKay, that little voice sat up straight and said, Oh. Well, duh.

He stood, stood facing his father. They were the same height, so close that someone could probably have erected a level bridge between their two heads, shock of black hair and shock of grey, without too much trouble at all. John was surprised without really being surprised that he’d never noticed it.

An easy fit, then. Or else a very tight squeeze.

He shook out his shoulders, tensed and untensed his hands. “I hope this will satisfy you,” he said. “I hope this will make you happy.”

Then he sucked in a breath. And he stepped--

--in, Johnny, my son “You are not my son” my boy, it’s a boy, Anne, just like his father he looks just like his father, hold on tight now, I’ve got you How do you...? someday I’ll teach you promise? promise “Get out.” black mark, that’s what they said not possible John, you’ll do well there John, make me proud, Johnny I’m sorry please listen not my fault “you’ve shamed me” hold it by the seams, yes just like that now let go Air Force like you, Dad must be some mistake, Johnny I’m sorry your mother disobeyed orders, you heard me passed the test 100% so tall looks just like his old man and I would do it again in a heartbeat someone call 911 I think he’s having a I’m so sorry, Johnny, Johnny, my son, forgive me get out--

--through.

He swayed on his feet, the room spinning then straightening, the world taking a moment to realign itself. His skin felt like it was on fire, alive with a thousand thousand burning pinpricks, as if he’d let his entire body fall asleep like a dead limb. It ached without really hurting, but his hands... His hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

He was alone.

He wasn’t alone. “Dad?” he said to the empty room, and it was no more forthcoming than before. But, “It’s okay,” he said. “We’re okay.”

The silence wasn’t consoling or disconcerting. It just was.

But John...John was more than a little sick of silence.

He knocked gently on Rodney’s door. No reason to think he would still be there--if there was anyone who could get away with working on Christmas, it was Rodney--but John thought maybe, just maybe...

The door slid open like a sigh, and there he was, crooked mouth and stubborn chin, fury and relief and anxious hands, waiting for him. And John finally felt his own fingers relax, because he knew that despite everything; in spite of it all, John knew that Rodney would always take him in.

*************

Looking at that now, I don't think it's really that bad. I mean, it's melodramatic and I still don't really believe it--it's too easy--but mostly, if I slowed it down a bit, made it less rushed? It wouldn't be that awful. (Okay, it still wouldn't explain certain things like why Rodney could see the ghost, but let's just leave that for now, shall we? Please?)

I don't know if I made the right decision yesterday. Probably it would have been better if I had spent the morning making what I had better, rather than trying to completely re-do it. But there are three things that I find really interesting about this whole experience, and they're really the reason I'm still talking about this. (Well, that and the fact that I'm embarrassed about having posted a subpar story, and I'm trying to distract you. Is it working?)

1. That I didn't really change very much, yet what I did change managed to alter the entire mood, and indeed, meaning of the story. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the emotional difference between ending one and ending two is pretty extreme, right? And yet the middle sections are honestly exactly the same. I'm not saying that either version of the story is good, but I do think it's kind of cool how changing one thing can make you read a whole bunch of other things in completely different ways. Something to think about for the future.

2. There's a difference between what is a satisfying story for a writer and a satisfying story for a reader. Or there can be. I would say that ideally, there isn't. But I am beginning to think--and again, please correct me if I'm wrong--that the first version of the story would have been a lot more satisfying for a lot of readers. It's less confusing, for one thing. (I honestly didn't mean for the ending of the version I posted to be that ambiguous; for those who are still wondering: John resigns! He chooses Rodney! Um, yay?) The original version is also more up. Sometimes that's important. I'm starting to get the feeling that I should have written Hey Hey in the Hayloft, and instead I wrote O Brother, Where Art Thou? Hey, we all gotta learn that lesson some time--at least I didn't have to get thrown in jail.

3. Hard work does not always pay off. In general, this is not a good lesson to learn, but for a writer, maybe it is. I puttered away at "Horses" for weeks, and it was never--forgive the pun--smooth riding. I think that shows in the final result. On the other hand, I wrote "We Have Lingered" in less than two hours. It literally poured out of me, and it was a joy to write from start to finish. I think that shows in the final result, too. This is not to say that I, or any writer, should never work at anything, poking it and prodding it and keeping it going, because if that were true, then nobody would ever write anything of length. (Although in fairness, I think I should at this point admit that I wrote both "Dæmonology" and "Something Wicked" in a day [um, not the same day]. Sometimes it just flows, man. I live for days like that.) But sometimes when something's not working, there's a reason, and I need to learn to recognize that.

I'd love to hear what people think about any or all of this. I feel a little better having talked about it, although I still have some major guilt for having posted something that I wasn't fully proud of, especially because it was for a challenge. (I also do appreciate the people who said nice things about the story. You are very nice, and you kept me from death-by-too-much-*headdesk*) So in the interest of giving back to a fandom that's been really good to me, I'm going to totally rip-off eliade and propose that I write ficlets for the first ten people (nine, if svmadelyn wants one--she deserves a boon) who comment with scenarios/prompts/what have you. My only restrictions are: SGA, John or Rodney or some combination thereof. Oh, and no horses.

Sullivan: There's a lot to be said for making people laugh. Did you know that that's all some people have? It isn't much, but it's better than nothing in this cockeyed caravan.

Comments

[luthien.livejournal.com]

I think both endings round out the story in different ways. I did get that John chose Rodney in the version you originall posted, and I thought that ending was fitting, but I like the fact that there's more of an explanation/resolution of his feelings about his father in this version.

I puttered away at "Horses" for weeks, and it was never--forgive the pun--smooth riding. I think that shows in the final result. On the other hand, I wrote "We Have Lingered" in less than two hours. It literally poured out of me, and it was a joy to write from start to finish. I think that shows in the final result, too.

Oh, yeah. I've been there. I have a story in another fandom that struck a *huge* chord with readers. I consistently got comments from people saying it really touched them and made them cry and generally elicited a really strong emotional response. I wrote that story in a day, and it barely needed the slightest edit. It just emerged virtually whole. There was no point in trying to edit it beyond the barest of tweaks, because it was simply the way it had to be. In contrast, I have another story that I really *wanted* to be something that it never quite was. I fought with it and struggled and wrote and rewrote on and off for about six months, and eventually got it as good as it was ever going to be, and posted it. I do think that the trouble I had writing it did show through in the final version, though. People liked it, and all, but it still doesn't seem quite right to me. It's really all about the story itself. I love it when a story emerges whole, and hate it when I have to fight and fight and fight with a story. Mostly, my stories are somewhere in between the two extremes, but I live for those effortless ones.

And a prompt? SGA, John and Rodney sounds good to me... How about "the second time"?

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

If ever there were a story that boldly declared, "Hey, I'm gonna be about THIS" while I just sort of sat there, stunned, this is it (http://www.livejournal.com/users/trinityofone/39111.html). But I hope you like it anyway!

[coreopsis.livejournal.com]

I still haven't read your story. I kinda suck that way lately. But I'd still love to have a ficlet. *g* John and Rodney and something happy/fluffy and/or porny concerning puddlejumpers. Or soemthing else. Whatever. I'm so easy. *g*

[suzy_queue]

LOL I read through your post twice, trying to formulate my thoughts about the stories, and missed the ficlet thing entirely. LOL! I was so confused reading the last two comments....

Anyway, I like both endings. They do change things significantly, but I think they're both fairly solid. I did get in the posted one that John chose Rodney, and I liked that - it was kind of this little beacon of hope that while things were mixed up and crazy now, they wouldn't always be. But in this one, I like how John knows that Rodney will always let him in - that's one of my favorite things about their relationship in general.

I don't think the story you posted was subpar at all. It was a good story, it just maybe wasn't the happy ending people tend to like, especially around the holidays. *g* Like I said, I like both endings, for all their differences.

What's interesting is that you could probably combine the two endings and get a third, still different, way to end it. LOL Gotta love stories.

As for ficlet, um, John/Rodney, happy, road-trip. Space trip? Puddlejumper trip? However you choose to work with it. LOL

[suzy_queue]

Rats, forgot to add what I was thinking about the father issues. LOL Anyway, frankly, as someone who has a father of her own (and as I watch Gilmore Girls, a show entirely about family issues), I could appreciate the first ending more because it never *is* easy or complete. That's the way of families. I think some of the easiness could be alleviated in this alt. ending without him saying that they were okay, and perhaps a little more at the end about how he still felt kind of guilty and sad and runover by a truck at the whole experience. Because even when a dead person comes back to absolve you, well, they had to come back, didn't they? *g* I don't think the feelings ever go away fully. That came across a little more in the first one. But I still like Rodney better in the second one. *g*

[godofwine.livejournal.com]

I will confess that my first reaction to "Horses" was of the "wtf?" variety mostly because I read it fairly quickly and wasn't exactly sure what the ending meant. Because I was so fairly sure John was going to accept the promotion and that his relationship with Rodney will have to further blanketed, but I did have this sense that maybe they would live happily ever after. See, confusion = self.

But also, word to number 2 because I'm all for uncomplicated happy endings, but I can never believe myself when I'm writing.

Also, prompt, John buys Rodney a pony. ;)

(No, not really! That was just me being contrary. Um, John and Rodney being totally obvious about The Big Gay Love and everyone in Atlantis all "Going to check power fluctuations together eh? *wink wink*" except they really were just checking out power fluctuations.)

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

This is what happens when you back a hungry writer into a corner! (http://www.livejournal.com/users/trinityofone/37927.html)

(I will probably write you the other one later. Also, I will respond to your comment more seriously. But first: FOOD!)

[sinensiss.livejournal.com]

hmm, this is interesting; I like to read alternate scenes and hear about the process that went into a story. And I think that your three conclusions have merit.

For what it's worth, I like the story as posted better. I don't believe this scene either. I like the irony of the fact that John's father appears, and he still can't get the answers he wants to have. Because even in Atlantis, the dead don't talk--that feels like life, to me. (While reading, I actually didn't question the fact that Rodney could see him--I guess I assumed it was some combination of Ancient whatever and their closeness to one another--the city lets those in love see one another's psychic manifestations. or something.) Also, I did get what was going on in the last bit, although I interpreted it as "John refuses the promotion", not "John resigns altogether." Clarification needed? maybe. almost anything can be improved. But I do like a slash story that requires some compromise and hard choices for love on the part of its protagonist(s); that's welcome variety.

[sinensiss.livejournal.com]

hey, I get a ficlet. um, really, anything John and Rodney is good by me, but if you want a scenario--how about, John and Rodney have to explain some wacky Earth custom to Ronon?

[some-stars.livejournal.com]

--and I already posted a comment to the story itself, but I just want to post again because I feel surprisingly strongly about this, for someone else's story. *g* Underexplaining and overexplaining are both problems but under is *always* better than over, because overdoing it ruins the story retroactively, underdoing it just makes me kind of confused. This is *such* a lovely ghost story and it deserves an ending as complicated and frightening and *human* as the rest of it.

*clutches fic to my bosom protectively*

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Have I mentioned lately that I love you? You like my dark stuff and my pony!fic. You rock; I want to write for you always.

I agree that the ending I first posted was the way to go, but I do think there were still a lot of things that were too confusing about the story. The same thing could be said about "Inhibited" to a lesser extent--I'm all for making readers work a little, but when I get that many WTF? reactions, I think I really need to step back and remind myself that it's fanfiction, and that I'm wrong to have delusions of Faulkner or something. I shall save that for my novel! [/pretentious snooty voice]

I'm still really glad that you liked it, though. *instigates big three-way hug: you, me, and the fic nobody loves*

[some-stars.livejournal.com]

also! ficlet! prompt this poem (untitled):

Black riders came from the sea.
There was clang and clang of spear and shield,
And clash and clash of hoof and heel,
Wild shouts and the wave of hair
In the rush upon the wind:
Thus the ride of Sin.


Because Stephen Crane makes me think of John, and you are my favorite John writer of all time, so you see!

[some-stars.livejournal.com]

--*dies* I DID NOT MEAN TO INCLUDE HORSES.

[svmadelyn.livejournal.com]

Awwwww. Got your e-mail this morning; I'm on the way to work right now so I don't even have time to read and think about the post--I just am elbowing to get my ficlet request in before you have 10 so that I'm not stomping on someone else's ficlet dream. *g* But basically oh gosh, breathe, it's all totally fine and *rubs your shoulders*--I'd be more wordy here, but dammit leaving soon and I want my ficlet!

John/Rodney: Someone's watching them. (Could be voyeurism, could be....Ronon doing the watching. Or, just--Someone's watching them doing something. Whatever works.) Or! Or! Sex in the control chair, John/Rodney. Whichever calls.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

I just want to say thank you again for the e-mail you originally sent; I was feeling very blah about the whole thing, and it really helped to talk about it and in the process, LOOSEN UP. (Um, a little. There's that old joke about a piece of coal in inappropriate places and...yeah, that might describe me.) So thank you.

And OMG--sex in the control chair! Yes. Totally yes. *dashes off*

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you posted this -- I really enjoy learning about other people's writing processes and found yours fascinating. I did struggle with the first version you posted of Horses, but finally came to the conclusion that, yes, John was choosing Rodney. You made me work a bit, but that's not a bad thing, especially with your writing and these characters. You needn't feel any guilt at all.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Thank you; I'm glad it was interesting. It was also sort of therapeutic, so...

I still think I made people work a bit too hard with this story; I loves me some ambiguity, but there's a middle ground, you know? Here's to a future of finding it!

[20thcenturyvole.livejournal.com]

Heh. I was a little confused by Horses, but it was nice in a head-twisty way. Actually, I think the only real problem was the length -- you could have made it into a pretty long proper head-twisty thing, but since it's been so laborious I don't blame you for getting it over with.

It's a weird thing, I've found: there are some stories that just don't want to be written, and if you force them they'll sulk and skulk and balk at every corner and in general cause you agony; and then there are stories that you never ever meant to write but the idea presents itself all shining and full of its own cleverness and when you finally toss your hands up and capitulate the words just pour like honey. I've had both; the former sit in my file, forever abandoned six pages in, painful because they have bits that I love but will never be able to use, and the latter are brain-farts and ridiculous, crazy ideas that end up getting me the most reviews, making me sit back with a grateful but bemused "huh."

Ooh, comment-fic? Umm... something involving the whole ensemble, possibly a major disaster of some kind, but somewhere along the way: Rodney threatens to drag Kavanaugh to the top of a really high tower and drop him off the balcony. That would make me smiiiile.

[20thcenturyvole.livejournal.com]

Obviously I mean a snippet from such a thing, 'cause I just realised that that suggestion? Would totally call for something longer than a ficlet. I am a moron; ignore me.

[trobadora]

I'm here via friendsfriends, and I hope you don't mind if I comment. I did find "Horses" confusing, but not because of the ending - that made perfect sense to me. It was Rodney seeing the ghost which I just couldn't wrap my mind around - my disbelief kept unsuspending, and while I was reading part of my brain was constantly puzzling over that.

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

I'm popping in here to say that my biggest issue, too, was Rodney seeing the ghost, I had exactly the same reaction you did.

I interpreted the ending to version #1 as John Refuses the Promotion, FWIW.

If I get a comment fic, either double up on the MissionaryKid!Rodney story requested above, or have a story where John or some other American in Atlantis is a real Evangelical who considers the whole expedition a literally God-given opportunity to spread the Word to another galaxy.

[aurora]

Aww, that was sweet. But I think I still prefer the version you posted yesterday. *is angst whore*

Oh, and ficlet. Um, John and Rodney do something for the first time (doesn't have to be sexual =)

[claire.livejournal.com]

I liked the story you posted yesterday, I was just asking to see the other for comparison purposes. I think you made the right choice in posting the one you did.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and I know you weren't like, "Show us the other version, bitch!" But a lot of people were curious and/or confused. Plus, it was an excuse to ramble on at y'all EVEN MORE. *eg*

[stillane.livejournal.com]

*puts on meta helmet, raises hand timidly* Um, I'm apparently in the minority, but I loved the version you posted yesterday. No, it wasn't easy, and yes, I was sometimes confused, but - it felt like it should be that way. I'm bizarre like that; I'm overjoyed by things that I don't necessarily get the first time through. (This probably explains why I'm an English major.) I took it to be not just a ghost story, but a story about the ghosts we carry with us. The fact that Rodney could see the father didn't even twig my radar. It's a ghost; I mean, when you come right down to it, why can John see him? Plus, Rodney would be the one most likely to know the depths of John's issues, and it made sense for him to be aware of their manifestation. As to the ending, I was completely convinced John was settling in to write a nice, polite, fuckoff letter to Landry. *shrug*

I think it all comes down to this:
I recently heard a pro author say, "I'm a participatory writer. I write for the same reason I read: to find out what happens." In this case, you have to go with the ending that's real in your head. God knows, I wish I could get some of mine to be hearts and bunnies moments, but that isn't what they need to be. I like the prickliness of yesterday's ending, and the disconnects. They felt right for the tone. Sometimes, messy is good.

[lilac-way.livejournal.com]

I just re-read the original story, and the ending you posted above, and I have to say I think the story as posted is much stronger than the above ending. Because most times when people die there isn't any resolution, except in the mind of the person left behind. The story as posted shows that -- John has to come to terms with his own decisions and his father's reactions to those decisions. This bit is particularly good:

And: Some day you’ll be Colonel Sheppard, too. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Isn’t that what you want?

“It was,” John said. And he started at the sound of his own voice.

Also, it would be a shame to lose this:

Rodney still looked like he wanted to argue, but he was smart enough to know that he wouldn’t ever get anything out of John if John wasn’t willing.

Despite the difficulties you say you had with this, I think the story is very good. And I LIKE that Rodney can see John's father's ghost. It makes him an actual ghost, as opposed to a manifestation of John's unease over his decision.

[toniabarone.livejournal.com]

*blinks* Right. Terribly sorry. Prefer th' ending that made the cut, I think. This was even more confusing. *shakes head and grins* But still god, yeah. If that makes sense? Thanks for sharing this, though.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

I just vomited inside my mouth a little.

Also, I JUST WROTE FIC ABOUT A PONY! WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?!

*g*

[wychwood]

I think that on the whole I prefer the ending you originally posted, actually. It felt more, I don't know, more real? Less simple, certainly. And life is rarely simple.

On the other hand, I hadn't realised that John was going to resign! I knew that he was choosing Rodney, but I thought it was more that he was turning his back on his father, his father's expectations, and his father's anger about his homosexuality, and refusing to turn into the man his father had been.

And I don't think it's a matter of "hard work" or not, it's more to do with inspiration. Some ideas are dead, some just don't work, and no amount of prodding will make them work. Whereas the best ideas are really alive, they possess you, eat your mind, force you to work on them. I get that sometimes with stuff I'm doing, where I can't concentrate on anything else until I make whatever it is. And you're right, it's a fantastic feeling. The actual work is still required, but...

Oh, to come back to the original story - like I said, I prefer that version, but I could have done with a *little* bit more explanation at the end, I think. Some more idea of where John's head is at.

And, uh, in a more serious vein, which is not hard when the earlier one was about ponies

[astolat]

I'm a big fan of being totally unembarrassed about the stories that don't work so well. The way I see it, every story I write is *not* going to be as good as the best, and even the ones that I feel are my best won't work for everyone, and so what? -- from each one, I learn something, I practice the writing muscles, and it gets me more ready for the next idea to hit that might be the one that really takes off.

And yes, about the flow -- when a story is just coming, that's the best feeling in the world, and I do think that it's a sign that what's coming is good: when all the action is falling into place naturally for *you*, chances are it's falling into place that way for the reader as well. No Refunds or Exchanges came like that for me, despite its length.

But I don't think lesson number 3 is the one to take away when that isn't happening, though. It *is* possible to overwork a story, but most of the time, that only happens once the story is already zinging along, and then you have to know when to take your hands off the keyboard. But if a story isn't working, the real trick is identifying *what* work to do, because all the work in the world in the wrong place will make no real progress.

And that is incredibly tough -- I'm only in the last year or two starting to develop a consistent eye for picking out the larger structural issues in a story for myself; I've been lucky to have great betas to help. Or sometimes it's impossible; sometimes there's no way to fix a story without turning it into a story I don't want to write, or boring me, and at that point I either finish up aware that it's broken, or move on.

And that's not that hard work doesn't necessarily pay off -- it's more that *time* doesn't necessarily pay off. I've had a story file open and completely stuck for weeks and then had a beta help me fix it in five minutes' worth of chat. Very *hard* work, but not actually time-consuming.

Anyway, those are my thoughts -- if you want comments on Horses specifically, I could offer a few, but the main thing is, if a story doesn't work as well as you want, I really urge that it's never something to be embarrassed about. If you were writing a story about rainbow sparkly magical ponies, *then* --

[fenris_wolf0]

:)

[ellex42.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to comment on the story, except to say that both versions have their good and not-so-good points, and I think you've already recognized them. Also, I thought it was, if not your best work, very interesting.

What I will say is that in my own experience, sometimes you just have to let a story go. It may have been more difficult to write than others, it may not have gone the way you wanted or intended it to go, those who read it might have a hundred and one complaints/critiques/helpful comments, but at least you finished this and it isn't sitting, lonely and festering, on your hard drive or fic disk.

Sometimes, that just has to be enough, and you should be proud of that.

[afearfulthing.livejournal.com]

You know, I like the official ending better. I don't think it's ambiguous, but everything kind of rides on just a few words - like the tense ("It was.") It's more complex; there's more backstory; things are more encoded. I didn't get "Reynolds is dead." You're right, it is less easy, and more interesting because of it. I think it would have been better if you had fit the explication (from John knew that in the morning, he would have to tell him on) in before the resolution. I get that there's a difference between John telling his dad and running back to Rodney, and John saying "It's not what I want anymore" and really making the decision, but...

[afearfulthing.livejournal.com]

BTW: I really liked the marine with holiday spirit. Whistling badly. There should be more whistling in fic. Comment fic!

Or, if you gave one potted plant to John and one to Rodney, which would survive? Because you might assume both are the type to let die. But Rodney had a cat, and is anal-retentive organized and fussy, and John seems the type to take his hobbies very seriously. And what kind of plant properly expresses their respective ids? Because cactus is just too easy.

[reccea.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I think I prefer the version that you originally posted. I like the idea of having to face a choice. (I think that made the appearance of John's father make more *sense* in the scheme of things.) I do think the ending was ambiguous but I had almost thought that it was intentionally so. A Lady and the Tiger ending, really. So I think there were some things that probably did still need to be tweaked a bit to get your conclusion across.

That said, I don't always think that the harder a story is to write, the less you'll like it. (Though, the stories that get done in two hours are often so exhilarating and right.) I think sometimes that's a mark of needing different people to read it, than you'd normally have. (Because, sometimes, a fresh perspective is incredibly important.) But the fact that you're still driven to work on it even when it's hard means that the story itself needs to be written, you know?

[floridapeaches.livejournal.com]

I have to say, this ending is more...emotionally satisfying for me. Because I usually like happy endings. Or at least hopeful ones. seperis's "Mexico City" has been haunting me for weeks. Mostly because I wasn't prepared for the ending--at all, but also because it's just...so distinctly NOT happy.

So this ending lifts my mood, and I really like it. But I really think that the other ending also, for lack of a better way to put it, finished the story. I didn't feel like there was anything left out, really. I was, honestly, a little confused. Or maybe it's just that I connected with the story on an intellectual level, and with this ending it hits me on a more emotional level. I feel the longing and the loss here more strongly. I don't really know why, or if that is really a valid interpretation.

The other thing to take into consideration, is the fact that I'm packed and ready to leave Japan at the end of my first semester of being an exchange student. I have friends that I are going home to countries all around the world, that I have to recognize I may never see again. I'm feeling a little lost, and a little scared of the changes that next semester will bring, and a lot sad at the many partings that I've had over this week. So my own emotional state affects what I read into this too.

I have to say though, this line: But his father was as mute as a corpse whose mouth had been stitched shut with glistening thread, and the rest was silence. Was a punch in the gut. I really liked that. Was it in the other version and I missed it? I think I would remember it, but it has been a rough few days.

Also, I just realized that in the middle of one of the many crisis of the last bit, I totally forgot to come back and comment on the other version. I have to say, there at the end I really thought that John's dad had possessed him. That was the impression that I got. I liked it. But it freaked me out almost as much as "Something Wicked" did. I liked that too, but it was freaky.

Anyway, it's probably best not to listen to closely to anything I say right now. I can't even begin to pretend that I'm all here this week.

But I really liked both stories, just for different reasons. Really. I liked them. Going now. *goes*