SGA Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

cincodemaygirl pointed out that the winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. This is the contest where people try to create the worst opening sentence of a novel EVER. Glancing over the winners, I remembered that ages back someone had done a BtVS version of the contest. (My favorite entry was, and still is, "I'm back!" Riley said.) And I thought: Dude, we need to have the SGA version of this, like, yesterday.

So! Comment here with the worst possible sentence you can imagine opening an SGA fic. On Friday morning, I'll pick a winner and maybe a few runners-up and there will be prizes of some kind. (Maybe fic, maybe something else.) Hopefully, if enough people play, this will be entertaining enough to get us through to the premiere.

I may also compose a few bad sentences myself, although obviously, I am not qualified to win my own contest. *g* Oh, and please feel free to pimp this!

Okay...go!

ETA: In response to a question: Yes, you can enter as many times as you want. *eg*

Comments

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

1)
"Daddy!" The young Wraith child cried as it left the Wraith Queen's arms and ran toward John.

2)
The sea was angry that day, waves crashing down like a bad LSD trip, and as the water level in their cove rose, securing their liquidy aquactic doom, John and Rodney knew the only way to survive was to have underwater cave sex.

I'm bored at work, can you tell?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lemon_lyman_/]

I want to read these stories so very much. What will John's reaction to junior be? How will cave sex save us all? there are just too many glorious possibilities here.

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

How doesn't underwater cave sex save us all?

and I imagine John's reaction would be non-existent, as he would be fleeing toward the jumper as fast as his deadbeat space vampire-baby daddy feet could carry him.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lemon_lyman_/]

I think the cave sex thing depends entirely on whether it is the cave or the sex that is actually submerged. One way, we're all saved; the other, well, lets not get into that

As for deadbeatdad John, what will he do when the hive ships show up demanding he pay all his back child-support? What will happen ten years down the line when he's faced with a rebellious teenaged wraithlovechild while on a routine mission to P3X 415?

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

but why can't it be both?

And John and his now probably very emo son will embark on a heartwarming, crowd-pleasing cross-country tale involving a brokendown Wraith Dart and the search for a missing ZPM.

After charming the audiences with their winsome banter and slowly burdegoning relationship
(John realizes he's just projecting his anger over the Wraith trying to kill everyone he cared about onto his freaky Wraith lovechild; his son realizes that his old man is "kinda cool" and he probably shouldn't be trying to kill everyone John cares about), the two head back to Atlantis and open up a 'jumper repair shop together.

Until the Wraith come and try to kill everyone John cares about and get his overdue child support, but we'll save that for the sequel.

I may have put too much thought into that

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lemon_lyman_/]

I may have put too much thought into that
Never!! and also, more please?

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

No, I'm afraid all futher adventures must wait until the Rated R sequel Adventures of John Sheppard and His Emo Spawn 2: Dead Man's Chest, which um--well, we won't go into those gory details.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

For that first one, I can just picture John, after he's gotten over that initial shock, turning to Rodney and Elizabeth and everyone and just sort of shrugging and saying, "What? It was a hatefuck!"

Also, underwater cave sex PREVENTS GLOBAL WARMING AND HEALS PUPPIES!

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

YES! Yes, exactly because underwater cave sex, um cools off sex drives which...then exerts energy, which...gives off heat, which would...raise water temperatures? Maybe underwater cave sex is actually causing global warming.

But it STILL HEALS PUPPIES.

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

Heh, this is very true. Maybe if it was bad underwater cave sex.

[miasalter.livejournal.com]

oh my god. the image of John having sex with Wraith Daryl Hannah. I don't know if there's enough bleach in the world to cleanse my brain.