SGA Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

cincodemaygirl pointed out that the winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. This is the contest where people try to create the worst opening sentence of a novel EVER. Glancing over the winners, I remembered that ages back someone had done a BtVS version of the contest. (My favorite entry was, and still is, "I'm back!" Riley said.) And I thought: Dude, we need to have the SGA version of this, like, yesterday.

So! Comment here with the worst possible sentence you can imagine opening an SGA fic. On Friday morning, I'll pick a winner and maybe a few runners-up and there will be prizes of some kind. (Maybe fic, maybe something else.) Hopefully, if enough people play, this will be entertaining enough to get us through to the premiere.

I may also compose a few bad sentences myself, although obviously, I am not qualified to win my own contest. *g* Oh, and please feel free to pimp this!

Okay...go!

ETA: In response to a question: Yes, you can enter as many times as you want. *eg*

Comments

[siria]

I am so glad to see that you are being kept busy at work *g* Shall Ami and I have to rethink our decision as to whether or not you have given into The Man?

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

I'm not actually there yet. I'm just about to leave...

But I would NEVER give in to The Man! Jeeze.

[inthekeyofd.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm..worst opening line..how about this:

Rodney lay there as John patted his damp brow, keeping his breaths shallow and on an internal rhythm all Rodney could think was one thing,"I don't know why women think labor is so difficult, these pains are nothing to my aching back."

**no offense to anyone that writes mPreg, this just came to me when I went to reply.

[wolfshark]

Rodney sobbed into his pillow.

[dancinguniverse.livejournal.com]

Simple, yet brilliant. I like.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Totally!

[fairestcat]

Doctor Rodney McKay didn't consider a day complete, until he'd reduced at least two scientists and a marine to helpless weaping.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

(The scary thing is, I think there may actually be stories that have started this way. *shudder*)

[amireal.livejournal.com]

The prostrate is a wonderful thing.



*flees*

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

It is indeed and it doesn't take a lot lying down either.

[siria]

"But seriously, babe," Rodney said to John, "do these BDUs make my ass look big?"

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

This is scary, because something quite similar to this (but not quite as good) was the first thing I thought of!

Could it be...SIRINITY?

My entry

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Bad writing? Now, THAT I can do!

"Rodney, dangling from his harness as the cruel Atlantis breeze rustled his little remaining hair, peered down at the water far, far below him as he decided which was the greater sacrifice: his own life, his death almost certain if he didn't grasp the railing of the balcony above him; or the loss of the only two Twinkies(tm) left in Atlantis, one clutched in each of his sweaty palms as he dangled there, hoping for salvation from the great Twinkie(tm) fairy in the sky."

(c) 2006 RoaringMice

'cause I know all y'all will want to steal THAT line!

Re: My entry

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Hurrah for the Twinkie (TM) fairy! *g*

[liviapenn.livejournal.com]

The great thing about being in love with Rodney, John thought happily as he walked through Atlantis' halls, hailing all those he passed by with a cheery smile and greeting, was that Rodney was all the things that women weren't; intelligent and sensible-- "Oh, hi Elizabeth!" -- physically strong and firmly muscled-- "Excuse me, Teyla!" -- blunt and direct, not weepy or sentimental-- "Afternoon, Lt. Cadman!" -- able to take control in the bedroom-- "Mara, what are you doing on Atlantis? Stop following me!" -- in fact, as John had lately discovered, Rodney was superior to any woman who had ever existed, simply by virtue of being a man.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Oooh, sharp like a knife, that one is. (I especially like the appearance of Mara--now there's something I never thought I'd say!)

[kageygirl.livejournal.com]

It was a dark and stormy night--well, obviously it was dark, it being both night and stormy--but for the locale where Atlantis sprawled across the sea, spilling light into the ocean like a leaking glow-stick; except, of course, that Atlantis was much less environmentally toxic, if one didn't count all the Wraith dart wreckage sunk around the city, and for all Rodney knew, alien fish were making little artificial reefs out of the ships and feeding happily on the corpses, and wow, that was a picture he never wanted to conjure up again, so he put it out of his mind and started over.

[siria]

"Rodney," John said sincerely as he held his lover after an evening of sex which was hot and sweaty and manly but not, you know, in a gross, icky way, "I think we've reached a point in this relationship where we should talk about our feelings."

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

That wins. I mean, not officially, but. Yeah.

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"Oh Dr Phil," said John, bottom lip trembling as he player with his the elastic of his lover's days-of-the-week-underpants, " - you know I'd never leave you for Rodney, not after he laughed at the size of my pee-pee."

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

uh - PLAYED. yes. quite.

[cincodemaygirl.livejournal.com]

I think this is a stupendous idea, and I like how it follows so serendipitously after your entry about bad fic summaries... Anyway, one question-- are we allowed to enter more than once? I am assuming yes, since that is how the B-L works. I'd LOVE to see the winner's 58 other entries.


Here are two:

Teyla's glittering russet hair flashed in the light breeze as she angrily tossed her head; although he had been sent to assist with the harvest, that great graceless hulk of a marine called Bates had done little more than help Teyla's mind into a furor and her loins into a pillar of flame.

Rodney's deep, sparklingly blue eyes were second only to the infinite sea that stretched around Atlantis, in which John wished to swim, float, and doggy-paddle endlessly (but maybe the Canadian scientist would let him do all that in his eyes, too, if they found an Ancient device created for the purpose).

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

You may ABSOLUTELY enter multiple times, and I applaud your first two efforts, as they are terrible. Which is, you know, good. *g*

Also, thank you for inspiring this. And yes, I was pleased by the serendipity, too!

I have to spork my own eyes to do this.

[shusu.livejournal.com]

"Baby, Rodmeister, don't be like that," John begged.

There was a tragic rending of synthetic cloth as the pain in those lapis lazuli eyes overflowed into the rage of a thousand overloading naquadah generators. "You!" the word cleaved the gateroom, sending techs hiding under their Ancient consoles.

And then John knew, deep in his flyboy heart, that years of sexual adequacy and deep-seated repression were coming to a throat-clenching end.

Re: I have to spork my own eyes to do this.

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Oops, missing a line break. ^^;

[duskyfox.livejournal.com]

Teyla giggled, eyes shining with joy as she cried, "John, my love, I'm pregnant!"

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I can do even better!

Rodney giggled, eyes shining with joy as he cried, "John, my love, I'm pregnant!"

[whiskeypants.livejournal.com]

i'm disappointed in the Lytton results. can't play this game, though...

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was a little disappointed too, although there were a few good ones. But you could totally play! The characters names are John, Rodney, Teyla, Ronon, Elizabeth, Radek, Carson, Lorne, Cadman, Caldwell, Ford...and there are space vampires. Make up anything!

I need to call you!

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

Night, dark as John Sheppard's heart, lonely as Rodney McKay, silent as Ronon Dex, shimmering like Teyla Emmagen, stoic like Major No-First-Name Lorne and as boring as Dr. Elizabeth Weir, fell.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Wow, I love this one as well. I love this one so much! Night fell...and in so many words!

[melagan.livejournal.com]

Oh, I can do this.

Carson anxiously waited until everyone had left before he reached in his pocket and pulled out his one personal item, his lone source of comfort. (http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h205/pf_shamrock/ifyouseesheep1.jpg)

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Naked sheep men! AHHHHH!

[navisx.livejournal.com]

Do I love him, he asks me; of course not, its just that men are easier, cold maybe, but truthful none the less.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's just all confusing and terribly written and sexist at the same time. Awesome! *g*

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Rodney rubbed his throbbing manhood, his eyes raking over the smorgasbord that was John's body; all long, lythe legs; dark, curly, hirsuit chest; nubs alert in anticipation of what he, Rodney, scientist and racconteur extraordinaire would do with his miraculous tongue once he'd finished explaining the importance of Canadian theatre ("re" because he was Canadian, eh?) to the New York stage, as if John cared, the bloody philistine.

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

OMG - I'm laughing so hard I'm wheezing!

Re: Hehehehe

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Ewww!

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Ronon thought John Shepard's nipples were the prettiest rosebuds he'd ever seen.

[ana-grrl.livejournal.com]

Ahaahaha! My eyes!

[ingridmatthews.livejournal.com]

"They'd been forced to make love in many places, in many degrading ways, yet none were so terrible to John Sheppard and Rodney McKay as the Anal Vaults of the soggy planet Syphilis.

[ana-grrl.livejournal.com]

*snerk* LOve it!

[ana-grrl.livejournal.com]

Straight-forward and effective - especially since my mind reads it in a kind of light and fluffy tone of voice that includes lots of ! randomly inserted!

[ana-grrl.livejournal.com]

Ahah! Very fun!

"Rodney, Rod, Roddy-baby," John said, almost purring the endearments as he wrapped his arms around his lover's shoulders, "I always imagined my wedding cake would be pink."