Amazing! True!

[trinityofone]

Reading The National Enquirer, which I—swear to God—have had to do this morning for work, is not unlike reading bad fanfic.

Did you know...?

...That Johnny Depp is a closeted homosexual and (even better) a former cutter?

...That Ellen DeGeneres is insanely jealous of the men girlfriend Portia de Rossi can't stop flirting with (including Jeremy Piven, apparently)?

...That Woody Allen wants to stop Scarlett Johansson from hooking up with Wilmer Valderrama because he's "not good enough for her"...or is there another secret motive behind his displeasure?

...That Angelina Jolie walked in on Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston having sex? (And then decided to join in, I assume—or at least, that's the way any semi-decent badfic would go.)

Which doesn't even touch on all the creepy stuff about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and their invisible, alien baby. Or the last page of the July 24 Enquirer, which features a kitty in a hoodie who is apparently some sort of criminal mastermind.

Also, I can't quite believe that this is real. And yet, my newly warped perception of reality aside, it is!

Now I have to go back to reading about Star Jones' dramatic weight loss/firing/feud with Barbara Walters/troubled marriage to her gay husband. That sound you hear? That's my brain cells not so much evaporating as imploding.

Comments

[diluvian.livejournal.com]

Having seen exactly 1 (one) picture of skinny!Star, and CLEARLY she's had a gastric bypass (or equivalent bariatric surgery of choice), and as I have one myself, I'm an EXPERT!!1!

If you took your National Enquirer and a Weekly World News, made word confetti (Brad, Katie, Ellen, SpongeBob, mutant baby, tightrope, Satan, high school, gay, adopt, etc) and mixed them together, then tossed a handful onto a table -- I betcha you'd get some *very* plausible headlines.

And here's where I admit I don't know who half these people are...

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

You could be a NE expert! They had some random guy (ahem, a doctor) commenting on whether or not various celebrities' boobs are real. It was all like: "Well, I dunno. They kind of look fake."

NE and WWN work confetti sounds like it would be fun, actually! I wish we got WWN here. I need some MAN BITTEN IN HALF BY SHARK—AND LIVES! in my life.

[aurora]

That Johnny Depp is a closeted homosexual and (even better) a former cutter?
I've always suspected. So glad The NE cleared that up.

The calendar? Morbidly fascinating. (No, seriously, how do they come up with this??)

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

A cutter! A cutter! I know that that shouldn't be funny, but it is. They even have a badly photoshopped, blurry photo of his "scars."

I don't know who dreamed up the calendar, but they were on...some very special crack, I would say.

[rokeon.livejournal.com]

Wow. Toss in a high school AU and a couple bad songfics and it'll be just like you spent the day skimming ff.net.

The vanishing shirts are just... I have no words. None. Except possibly the new line in my will about how *not* to dispose of my body.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

ff.net may be my next stop. That, or filling out the People crossword, which someone else in the office actually seems to be having trouble with. (They got stumped by "Military rank (abbr.)" even though they already had the "M" and the "A.")

Isn't that one of the best animations ever? And isn't it nice that the body-building mortuary workers can be there to comfort you after you bury grandma?

[ireyah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it is alot like bad fanfic, isn't it? LOL. I can't wait to hear my sister's reaction at that.

[desdema.livejournal.com]

I've heard the thing about Johnny Depp being a cutter before. Googling for evidence gives a link to a page that I can't get to load, but Google's cache of the page is here (http://64.233.187.104/search?q=cache:zr0u8Swt3DwJ:www.self-injury.net/doyousi/famous/+johnny+depp+cutting&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=7&client=opera) and the info they have is referenced to interviews (with links here (http://64.233.187.104/search?q=cache:uDb4aJL5rO4J:www.self-injury.net/doyousi/famous/%3Fworkscited+johnny+depp+cutting&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=6&client=opera), also Google cached).

[sinclair-furie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've heard it too.
Bizarrely enough, it was in one of those wellness class videos about being emotionally healthy and whatnot. They claimed that all sorts of people committed self harm, including Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, if I remember correctly.

[30toseoul.livejournal.com]

"That Johnny Depp is... a former cutter?"

Did he have a LJ while he was doing this? *interested* Seems like every teenaged cutter on the planet does.

*is wildly insensitive and going straight to hell when she dies*

[stillane.livejournal.com]

I just... vaporizing shirts of death. No words.

[fairestcat]

*giggle*

Oh the glamorous life reporting on the entertainment industry...

[apatheia-jane.livejournal.com]

The National Enquirer apologises for getting its facts wrong (http://www.thesuperficial.com/2006/07/19/britney_spears_gets_an_apology.html).

Your poor, poor brain cells.

[bruinsfan.livejournal.com]

Now I have to go back to reading about Star Jones' dramatic weight loss/firing/feud with Barbara Walters/troubled marriage to her gay husband.

I'm just sad that they couldn't book the dream guest for Star's final day on the show: Terry McMillan.

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

That CANNOT be real.

The men of mortuaries, that is.

The rest totally is. I love the National Enquirer.

[mir8lle.livejournal.com]

*boggles*

The disappearing shirts are just...wow. I keep staring at them in horrified bemusement, in the hope that some sort of internet candid camera pop-up will jump up from behind the gravestones, but so far no luck.

[thefirstnet.livejournal.com]

Hmm, Tom Cruise...alien baby...somehow that just sounds right. Maybe the scientologists were losing him (or, you know, he gave them a million fewer dollars than usual last week), and they had to do something to get him back, so they had their alien buddies impregnate Katie Holmes with an alien baby.

I think your job is trying to kill off your brain cells, so they don't have to pay you as much.

[ainaria.livejournal.com]

Gossip rags, my guilty pleasure. :D And you're right, they are a lot like badfic. But really, you should check Oh No They Didn't and other gossip blogs, it's like a whole another world.