Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

Smart Bitches Trashy Books is having a contest in honor of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners. Two years ago, I held a similar contest. I feel like it's time to bring it back—with a vengeance!

Here are the rules:

1. Comment with the worst sentence you can imagine opening a fic. I am opening this up to any and all fandoms this year, with the caveat that, as the initial judge, I may be more partial to fandoms I am familiar with. Note: the sentence should be a sentence. Crazy punctuation is fine and even encouraged, but opening paragraphs will not be counted. ETA: You're welcome to make as many entries as you like. I'd recommend one per comment for clarity, but I'm not gonna be a stickler on that.

2. On Thursday morning-ish, I will choose my ten favorite entries for everyone to vote on. Feel free to comment on your favorite entries; my opinions on matters unpolitical can often be swayed. ;-)

3. Voting will run through the weekend; on Monday I will announce the winners and possibly some runners-up. There will be prizes! (Most likely a selection of used books on numerous enchanting subjects.)

4. Feel free to link! Let's see if we can make this an omnifannish extravaganza.

And...go!

Comments

SGA

[introductory.livejournal.com]

After being fucked by Caldwell for three weeks, it occurred to John that maybe he was going about it all wrong and Caldwell wasn't really the problem, much like when you think your nose is itchy and it's really your left arm or the bottom of your foot that needs the scratching.

Re: SGA

[blktauna.insanejournal.com (from livejournal.com)]

LOL Oh dear, Bertie Wooster logic!

[trie-squid.livejournal.com]

John had really considered making Rodney his bitch, but the melodrama and hypochondria kinda sucked the fun out the idea.

*points to sentence* No agreeing with this sentence and neither does my inner-John, but it came up in conversation today and thought it sounded like a good horrific sentence.

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

LOL!

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

Rodney eyed the gingham dress with an understanding wince, even as he protested, “It really wasn’t that bad, Sheppard - the wand Elizabeth found turned us all back to regular size and even you have to admit the Wraith made awesome Flying Monkeys.”

[Last one, I swear! These are just too much fun!]

No specific fandom

[jaxomsride.livejournal.com]

It was a dark and stormy night, which was a neat trick on a spaceship, but then the environmental systems still hadn't recovered from the crew's last wild party.

Re: No specific fandom

[dendritejungle.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing* See, that's not terrible, that's AWESOME! :D

The Sentinel

[busaikko]

You stand by the raw earth of the grave and let the cool Cascade rain numb you, memories of missed opportunities running through your mind like a rosary; you remember every moment words of love and longing made it as far as your lips and then receded like your hairline; you yearn for one last chance to say goodbye, to touch and to hear and to feel and to smell and to see; you ache with misery, standing there, rain seeping into your socks and your soul; and then you turn, resolute, and walk away across the weeping expanse of lawn, looking for that hot dog place that was really good.

Re: The Sentinel

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

Dead 'friend' vs hotdogs? No contest :-)

SGA

[busaikko]

Crouched in the dank cell, Rodney pondered how easily desperation had turned friend into food source.

SGA

[jaxomsride.livejournal.com]

The sun rose silently over Atlantis, creeping like a Wraith ship out of the shadows of the night.

"No John, No!" Teyla wept, but Sheppard pressed on regardless as the dread eldritch force controlled his body like an expert puppeteer, meanwhile in the background Rodney wept at the betrayal.

"That's just like a man" Sam Carter declared as she opened fire with her P90, "Answering violence with violence!"

[roflolmaomg.livejournal.com]

This, arguably, sounds like the BEST STORY.

[introductory.livejournal.com]

This sounds AMAZING and WRONG.

Why am I thinking of Lord of the Flies now?

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

I would read this.

House

[eviljr.livejournal.com]

House hit the door with his cane and it swung into Wilson's office as he simultaneously peered around the edge at Wilson who looked up from his conversation with the middle aged woman across from him: "Hey," House said with a comical grin, "Can I borrower your copy of Gynecologist's weekly?"

SPN

[sadiane.livejournal.com]

The seemingly endless back seat of the Impala was cramped enough when it was only utilized to contain two broad-shouldered, ruggedly handsome, unbelievably hot demon-hunting brothers writhing in the throws of their incestuous passion, but now, with their equally enticing robot clones from the distant future grinning lustily at Sam and Dean from across the narrow formica table of the scuzzy roadside dinner, Sam began to seriously wonder if there was any magical spell in their father's weathered brown notebook that would allow them to enhance the vehicle's spacial qualities.

SGA

[sadiane.livejournal.com]

"What I like best, my dear, sweet Rodney-kins," John drawled, pressing a kiss to the broad, quivering lips of his precious astrophysicist, "is when you tell me how you really feel about our epic and undeniable love."

Top Gear

[valn.livejournal.com]

Jeremy Clarkson grabbed the stick shift knob and moved it forcefully but smoothly into top gear and smiled as he remembered last night and the way James' sweaty arse had squeaked across this exact same leather seat and how his moans were exactly the same pitch as the engine of this very fast car.

Re: Top Gear

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

how his moans were exactly the same pitch as the engine of this very fast car.

Hmmmmmm. A Ford GT? LOL!

DS9

[valn.livejournal.com]

Kira needed that audience with the Nagus if she was ever going to get that new Gorvidian bucket for Odo as an anniversary present; she rubbed Quark's ear a little harder, a little faster and found herself with a handful of ear wax and a 10 o'clock appointment.

X-Files

[valn.livejournal.com]

Agent Dana Katherine Scully-Mulder MD called to her triplets as they frolicked in the garden of their gracious home, "Samantha, Emily, and Fox Junior--come get cleaned up before we go to the alien execution!"

House

[valn.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry, but your health insurance has only covered 2 of the 38 tests that Dr. House and his team ordered for you and we need this bed for a private pay patient; here are your discharge papers."

Star Trek TOS

[valn.livejournal.com]

Titian-haired beauty, Ensign Fiona Winsome was two weeks into her first tour of duty on the USS Enterprise when she found herself in the turbolift headed to the bridge! Determined to be professional, she handed the clipboard to Captain Kirk for his signature and blushed under his bold, heated, masculine gaze. She looked at the viewscreen and cried, "Look! The Romulans are attacking!"

Harry Potter

[valn.livejournal.com]

Ginny and Ron had been dead for three years now, felled by a slow acting curse that had wiped out the entire Weasley clan. Harry and Hermione met again at the Hogwarts reunion and as they danced every dance under the starry ceiling of the great hall, Harry felt his body stirring to life and knew that he could never leave this beautiful witch.

[allyndra.livejournal.com]

OMG, this was the best idea EVER. I love the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest like burning, but this is even better, because it's FANDOM. Thanks for prompting all these insanely awesome sentences.