Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

Smart Bitches Trashy Books is having a contest in honor of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners. Two years ago, I held a similar contest. I feel like it's time to bring it back—with a vengeance!

Here are the rules:

1. Comment with the worst sentence you can imagine opening a fic. I am opening this up to any and all fandoms this year, with the caveat that, as the initial judge, I may be more partial to fandoms I am familiar with. Note: the sentence should be a sentence. Crazy punctuation is fine and even encouraged, but opening paragraphs will not be counted. ETA: You're welcome to make as many entries as you like. I'd recommend one per comment for clarity, but I'm not gonna be a stickler on that.

2. On Thursday morning-ish, I will choose my ten favorite entries for everyone to vote on. Feel free to comment on your favorite entries; my opinions on matters unpolitical can often be swayed. ;-)

3. Voting will run through the weekend; on Monday I will announce the winners and possibly some runners-up. There will be prizes! (Most likely a selection of used books on numerous enchanting subjects.)

4. Feel free to link! Let's see if we can make this an omnifannish extravaganza.

And...go!

Comments

House MD

[aecamadi.livejournal.com]

Watching as her beloved Gregory followed the hateful oncologist through the cafeteria, Cuddy propped her chin on her fist and sighed, wishing aloud for the fifteenth time that day (and for the benefit of no one, as she sat alone) "I wish I were Wilson, then Gregory would love me," but she doesn't realize that she's said it aloud, nor that her wish has come true, until she sees that Gregory is just an inch or two away and Wilson's her cock is hardening in her off-the-rack trousers.

Re: House MD

[dafna]

Heeeeeee!!!

Psych

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"Bet you didn't predict this, psychic boy," Lassiter panted silkily, pre-come dripping like maple sap from his magnificent Irish wood.

.[...I can't stop. SEND HELP!]

Re: Psych

[astridv.livejournal.com]

pre-come dripping like maple sap from his magnificent Irish wood.

Hee!

(I have no idea what fandom that is)

SGA

[risha]

Rodney McKay, the most brilliant astrophysicist in two galaxies and head of science for the ancient city of Atlantis, morosely chewed his Cheerios while gazing at the oblivious object of his affections, Lieutenant Cournel John Sheppard (who was busy flirting with his second in command, Raedek, two tables over), and contemplated how he would ever tell John of the baby Rodney was currently carrying and that John had no memory of helping to create.

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

John had a feeling he had somehow gated to an alternate reality when, upon asking for his second in command, the response wasa dumbfounded, "You mean Evan Lorne, the world's first male rhythmic gymnast gold medallist?"

[zafra.livejournal.com]

*snort* Olympics shout-out?! LOL Oh, Evan Lorne. And facial glitter. *g*

[morebliss.livejournal.com]

Ryan Lochte was torn; should he tell the Olympic Oversight Committee that Phelps was actually a merman, or just give in to his baser instincts to lick the blue green scales that quivered with nervousness in front of him.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's the late hour, maybe it's heatstroke, maybe it's just Olympics fever, but...I really want to read this story.

*SHAME*

[dafna]

The raven-haired witch with the flashing gray eyes was no more than 16 the first time she stepped across the threshhold of Severus Snape's Potion Palace, but even then the retired Hogwarts professor, still handsome after all these years with dark locks that begged to be combed by another's hand, knew that she was destined to change his life -- if not , indeed, the entire world.

Re: Psych

[zillah975]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHOMG this is perfect!

POTC

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

this is depressingly difficult, especially when everyone else's entries are so good!

"William," Elizabeth said, kneeling in front of the tearful little boy while Captain Sparrow hemmed and hawed uncomfortably in the doorway and Will continued do his best catatonic impression from the floor, "I'm afraid I'm not your mommy. The Kraken is."

Buffy

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

Spike only ever cried twice (I mean except for those times he cried on the show): once when he discovered he'd won the contest to have a role on "Passions" but then it turned out that it was just a cameo and he got really mad and ripped out the throats of all the people involved, and twice when he realized his favorite show was gone forever; it crushed him more than Buffy dumping him for the bazillionth time ever could, how would he go on?

Re: Buffy

[love-jackianto.livejournal.com]

Oh you had at '(I mean except for those times he cried on the show)' and 'Passions'.

Discworld .........(don't hurt me.)

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

The thing that no one knew about the ex-Captain Commander Vimes--obviously becuase he never told anybody--was that his gruff exterier was a fasad, since ever since Carrot had stridden into his life like an inspiration beacon that glows with awe and mystery, Vimes has been a changed man infatuaded.

Re: Discworld .........(don't hurt me.)

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

I LOVE THIS.

SPN RPS

[johnnypurple.livejournal.com]

Jensen was looking really pretty – pretty and manly – when he grabbed the younger man by his firm and muscled buttocks-muscle (that was with one hand) and with the other hand, he grabbed the taller man, who was also his lover, by his neck, pulling him roughly into a rough, manly but loving embrace, and then they kissed but in a manly way, while Jensen moaned "Jaaaaaared!" into Jared's mouth and pulled on Jared's long, but manly, flowing hair.

Re: SPN RPS

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was wonderful, and I don't even know who these people are. It was the "manly" bits that got me the most.

Firefly

[executrix.livejournal.com]

The handsome young doctor knew he had to do anything to take care of his crazy sister except or maybe even in That Bad Way because you really have to stick together when everybody hates you because you're rich plus your mother is a genetically modified walrus.

Re: Firefly

[di-bucket.livejournal.com]

I defy anyone to predict the end of that sentence from its beginning.

Top Gear

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

"Honk!" cried Oliver, coming.

Re: Top Gear

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

*applause*

I love implied Richard/Oliver. ;)

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Polystyrene and Bakelite have been assigned!

[incandescens]

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Dedicated to Cassie Edwards

[siria]

Though He Who Flies Recklessly—or John Sheppard, as he had been known before he had been adopted by a passing tribe of Indians, whose primitive yet noble generosity had surely saved him from a lonely army deserter's death—knew that the sacrifice to the great lord App-Roh-Pree-Ayshoon (for such, he thought, was the name of his adopted people's god) would have to proceed if they were to have any hope of escaping from the pirates who were chasing them across the plains like a horde of ravening bison, something within him stirred at the thought of no longer sharing his teepee with the new-found slant-mouthed astrophysicist, and the eagle feathers stuck in his rakish hair quivered with emotion.

Re: Dedicated to Cassie Edwards

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Gaaagh. Aargh. Wow. Horrible. Well done!

[siria]

"But it's still early," the raven-haired colonel said to his lover, smiling with all his rarely-hidden emotion visible on his face, "We have not yet had time to coax sweet music from our flutes of love."

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

My brain hurts from this... *g*
[sadly enough, I do think I've almost this exact wording in a fic before though]

[siria]

"Oh, no, John," Teyla said with a self-effacing sigh, "I think it'd be best for everyone if you were to carry out these negotiations, not me—your manly fortitude makes you so much better suited for the task now that I am pregnant!"

High School Musical/Prison Break and also I hate myself.

[rionaleonhart]

East High School read the sign above the door, semi-clad young cheerleaders dancing enthusiastically on the steps, and Theodore 'T-Bag' Bagwell knew he should be getting as far away from Fox River State Penitentiary as possible but he could never resist a banquet.

Re: High School Musical/Prison Break and also I hate myself.

[manderkitty.livejournal.com]

I'm never going to get that out of my head am I? Thanks.

Silent Hill

[rionaleonhart]

Pyramid Head had only ever wanted to be loved.

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

John blinked as the wings sprouted from her back, long delicate fingers hardening into hooves, thinking, "Huh, so that's why it's called the Pegasus Galaxy..."

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Fact is, this is probably already a story. *whimper*

[rionaleonhart]

The day of Captain Jack Harkness' entirely monogamous wedding was overcast, but in Jack's heart it was bright and sunny, because today was the day he would pledge all his love and devotion to the only sentient being for him.

Harry Potter, I've never read this fic, but I'm sure it exists

[qzee.livejournal.com]

MickKayla KayLeigh Potter, pronounced MAHkaylah, KayLEE, wafted into the Great Hall, her emerald green eyes glistening with joy, immense intelligence, endless compassion, and magnificent magical power, her raven black hair with just the right amount of curl cascading down her back to her waist, which was tiny and drew attention to her perfectly pert bodice and her shapely hips and long legs, declared, "I am the Girl Who Lived, Harry's identical twin sister, am one quarter Veela, betrothed to Draco Malfoy, but secretly in love and married to Severus Snape and I have more OWLs than Hermione and a really cool miniature Canadian Snow dragon as a pet."

Re: Harry Potter, I've never read this fic, but I'm sure it exists

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

LOL!!!

Sadly, you're probably correct. :D

SGA / Heralds of Valdemar / Dragonriders of Pern / Doctor Who / Bimbos of the Death Sun / Discworld

[busaikko]

Dragonrider R'dney of Atlantis Weyr sagged breathless in his harness as bronze Meredith's mighty wings battered the air in a desperate attempt to stall their fall, whilst below he espied the white-clad Herald Mage of Valdemar who had once before come to Pern's aid: Jhon, perched astride his noble companion Puddlejumper, one arm outstretched in greeting, the other hacking mightily with his Runesword at the Dalek who had followed R'dney through the wormhole between which connected their two worlds by threading in an intricate pattern through the legs of the Elephants of Enormous Size as they moved in ancient stately dance across the back of the Great A'Tuin.

* woe, for my childhood! *

Re: SGA / Heralds of Valdemar / Dragonriders of Pern / Doctor Who / Bimbos of the Death Sun / Discwo

[blktauna.insanejournal.com (from livejournal.com)]

Total Win!!!!!!! Ahhahaaaaaahaaa!!!!!!!

Re: House

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

It's the middle of the night here, so I am cracking up as quietly as I can. :D

Harry Potter

[incandescens]

Harry could taste his drool as it ran from his mouth, and he leaned forward in the chains, watching helplessly as his lover Draco Malfoy won his thirteenth Olympic gold, shackled to the wall in this grimy dungeon underneath the bottom of the Hogwarts Potions Classroom as Voldemort (Polyjuiced into Harry's lean muscular body) ravaged a kiss from the dripping Draco's lips as he hauled his half-naked torso, clad only in black and green speedos, out of the Beijing pool to the applause of the crowd.

SGA

[introductory.livejournal.com]

Rodney's orgasms were a lot like his sneezes -- violent and messy, fluid spurting onto the nearest surface -- but then again they were also pretty different in that you couldn't really get away with orgasming in front of all the senior staff, and it was hard to get aroused by a lemon.

Re: SGA

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

I kind of want this story. *facepalms*