Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

Smart Bitches Trashy Books is having a contest in honor of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners. Two years ago, I held a similar contest. I feel like it's time to bring it back—with a vengeance!

Here are the rules:

1. Comment with the worst sentence you can imagine opening a fic. I am opening this up to any and all fandoms this year, with the caveat that, as the initial judge, I may be more partial to fandoms I am familiar with. Note: the sentence should be a sentence. Crazy punctuation is fine and even encouraged, but opening paragraphs will not be counted. ETA: You're welcome to make as many entries as you like. I'd recommend one per comment for clarity, but I'm not gonna be a stickler on that.

2. On Thursday morning-ish, I will choose my ten favorite entries for everyone to vote on. Feel free to comment on your favorite entries; my opinions on matters unpolitical can often be swayed. ;-)

3. Voting will run through the weekend; on Monday I will announce the winners and possibly some runners-up. There will be prizes! (Most likely a selection of used books on numerous enchanting subjects.)

4. Feel free to link! Let's see if we can make this an omnifannish extravaganza.

And...go!

Comments

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"It's obvious," Teal'c sobbed, clutching the other man to him, "isn't it obvious, that I love you, more than anything, more than life, more than new gold paint for my forehead, more than Daniel Jackson?"

[janne-d.livejournal.com]

more than new gold paint for my forehead

The ultimate declaration! I like it.

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"Say hello to Mr Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard," said John Sheppard, circling his hips and making his penis twirl so attractively that Rodney felt his manroot harden with really glowy lust.

[cat-latin.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. Manroot! I don't care who's judging this freak show: You win.

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"I'm a Republican!" said Lorne, and immediately everyone lost their erections.

(Actually that's the beginning of the BEST FANFIC EVER. Someone needs to write that).

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

*hides his Lorne-muse far, far away from sheafrotherdon*

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"And then, this one time, at Satedan camp, we painted each other's toenails and went out and shot a few Wraith, just for kicks, came home and took a bubble bath, it was great, you should try it, rigid gender roles are for Replicators," Ronon memorialized.

[siria]

Omg, you have no idea how much I want a story where Ronon bitches about restrictive gender roles. *big eyes*

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"I love you -- I love everyone," said John.

[dogeared.livejournal.com]

This one just makes me happy. He is clearly drunk! Or has been shooting people again! Or both! Oh John.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, military commander of Atlantis, beloved of said city, savior of two galaxies, frequent kneeler-before-queens, and winner of the "Best Hair In Atlantis" Award for the fourth year running, stared in horror at the the two people before him, namely Hermiod, the Asgard engineer voted "Most Likely To Be Exiled To Live With Humans" in highschool, and Doctor Rodney McKay, smartest man in no less than two galaxies and One True Love of the aforementioned Colonel, and after a few long horrific moments managed so say, "What do you mean, you aren't switching bodies back because Hermiod likes having genitals and Rodney likes his new improved brain and thinks our love transcends the physical anyways?"

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"I was born with a penis and two vaginas," Rodney said in the middle of breakfast, "and I've basically been PMSing since I was 12 - which, I think you'll admit, explains a lot."

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha etc.

Life on Mars

[eviljr.livejournal.com]

Sam woke with a start, his small twin sized bed shaking as he bolted upright the stench of whiskey and stale sex assaulting his nostrils as he took in the vision of a naked Ray laying next to him.

Re: Life on Mars

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Woo! I was hoping someone would do a LOM one.

Also: ew. :)

Buffy (season two)

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"Some people's soul-mate vampires fucking sparkle, and I get you," Buffy said to Angel, imperiously.

Re: Buffy (season two)

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

They also play magic vampire baseball in the woods! When was the last time Angel took Buffy on a date like that, huh?

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

This would be after taking the not-LSD from PX3-789, right?

Twilight

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"Just fuck me already - or have you been listening to those stories about Buffy Summers turning Angel into a fucked up demon again?" asked Bella.

Re: Twilight

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

This loses, as it is better than pretty much every single line of Twilight combined. Sorry.

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"Oh yeah, well, let's see how long you last in a mall in surburban America when you smell of peach lip gloss and can't find the g-strings," Rodney challenged him.

[perspi.livejournal.com]

I WANT TO READ THIS. :)

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

John quivered as Rodney's seventh tentacle caressed his elfish ear.

[cat-latin.livejournal.com]

::snort::
Someone's on a roll.

Any Fandom Ever

[lacylu42.livejournal.com]

"Dear Diary…"

Re: Any Fandom Ever

[(Anonymous)]

ever hear of the daniel jackson diary? something about "THING" or some such? (i only know of it in passing, i don't read slash)

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"No, Sam, it's okay, it's really me -- they got it wrong and sent me to heaven, buddy; I'm an angel now," said Dean.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

See, the problem with almost all of your entries, Cate, is that I want to read them.

Damn you and your intriguing intriguingness!

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"I thought I knew my orientation," Rodney said tremulously, "but it ends up . . . I'm in love with PCs."

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"I shoot tiny, tiny Darleks out of my penis, true fact," said the Doctor, mounting Jack.

[lacylu42.livejournal.com]

It's spelled "tru fax" thank you.

[eviljr.livejournal.com]

icon twin!

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

I wish these were contest entries, instead of actual sentences from actual fics:

- Regrets are like smoke on the wind. You can never catch them.

- At home with their newborn child, both new parents have alot ahead of them when they come across challenges that will test their love, patience and ultimate sanity.

- It’s the stuff fairytales are made on, only she’s no princess and his is a prison of crushed dreams.

[black-cigarette.livejournal.com]

Aaaaauuuggghhhh!

*runs and hides*

Breaking Dawn

[death-ofme.livejournal.com]

"Jacob," Bella said, "you're such a pedo."

Dr Who

[death-ofme.livejournal.com]

The Doctor unzipped his trousers in order to show Captain Jack his other sonic screwdriver.

Re: Dr Who

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!!

Dr Who

[eviljr.livejournal.com]

The Doctor firmly believed he had no regrets, and he didn't give much thought to the word, but that all changed when he made the mistake of letting Jack demonstrate the peanut butter and glue gun trick.

Re: Dr Who

[death-ofme.livejournal.com]

You rule.

SPN (and a bit eww but so's the show)

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"We'll get through this, Dean, together," Sam whispered loyally, as with careful and infinite tenderness and palpable love he swept another daintily bite-sized tidbit of his brother into the dustpan.

Re: SPN (and a bit eww but so's the show)

[astridv.livejournal.com]

heheheehe-- *ahem*

SGA

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"Dear John," Rodney wrote on the rose-scented and tear-stained Post-it note, "if you care to know, Todd didn't kidnap me, we eloped, and it's all because you went and had a baby with Teyla instead of me, that hussy."

SGA

[zafra.livejournal.com]

Rodney had thought the cage was kind of kinky, if not uncomfortable, but when Radek showed up with feathers asking him to 'coo' he got the feeling maybe he needed to be elsewhere.

Re: SGA

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Aaah! Aaah! Oh god! Pigeon roleplay! Nooo!