Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

Smart Bitches Trashy Books is having a contest in honor of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners. Two years ago, I held a similar contest. I feel like it's time to bring it back—with a vengeance!

Here are the rules:

1. Comment with the worst sentence you can imagine opening a fic. I am opening this up to any and all fandoms this year, with the caveat that, as the initial judge, I may be more partial to fandoms I am familiar with. Note: the sentence should be a sentence. Crazy punctuation is fine and even encouraged, but opening paragraphs will not be counted. ETA: You're welcome to make as many entries as you like. I'd recommend one per comment for clarity, but I'm not gonna be a stickler on that.

2. On Thursday morning-ish, I will choose my ten favorite entries for everyone to vote on. Feel free to comment on your favorite entries; my opinions on matters unpolitical can often be swayed. ;-)

3. Voting will run through the weekend; on Monday I will announce the winners and possibly some runners-up. There will be prizes! (Most likely a selection of used books on numerous enchanting subjects.)

4. Feel free to link! Let's see if we can make this an omnifannish extravaganza.

And...go!

Comments

[qzee.livejournal.com]

Harry watched as his husband, Neville, enjoyed the new plant he bought for him, the Penes Vebrititus which had nine thrusting, vibrating limbs of varying large size and enough stamina to satisfy Draco, should Draco ever come by to visit again.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Oh, ick, ick! LOL

Doctor Who

[katydidmischief.livejournal.com]

The TARDIS groaned at the sight of Rose, "Not that hussy again!"

Re: Doctor Who

[skulkings.livejournal.com]

LOLOL

Harry Potter

[qzee.livejournal.com]

"And Snape moved no more." But somewhere in Europe the cork in a particularly rare vintage of Wizard brewed wine began to vibrate and then bob up and down, up and down, thrusting just so, causing the wine to bubble with happiness (being a Wizarding Wine it could experience happiness or sadness and, of course, boredom), until the wine burst in one long spurt, splattering the walls and coating the cork, which continued to vibrate and move around, before both exploding and imploding at the same time, it's pieces morphing and changing to reveal Severus Snape in all his nipple wiggling glory, "I told you I could put a stopper into death, but did you believe me?"

Re: Harry Potter

[cat-latin.livejournal.com]

There should be a nipple wiggling Olympics.

SGA, again

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

"Oh, uncle John," cried Madison, "Willy me!"

Re: SGA, again

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

That's not right. [/Guy Fleegman]

Torchwood

[katydidmischief.livejournal.com]

It wasn't that he hadn't enjoyed working at Torchwood or that he'd grown tired of Jack - he simply couldn't ignore the deal Starbucks had offered him.

Re: Torchwood

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Hilarious, but disqualified. Too well written! :winks:

Alias

[whiskeypants.livejournal.com]

Vaughn couldn't help but leer as Sidney slipped gracefully out of her clothes, revealing what should have been surprisingly sexy lingerie given that she was on assignment--he had always appreciated that--and, heart full of everything he felt for her, he grabbed her and pulled her toward him, murmuring, "Sid...let's make a baby."

[spazatron.livejournal.com]

It was a Tuesday when The Boy Who Lived discovered a new nickname for Neville Longbottom--The Boy Who Lived Up to His Surname.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

OH, oh. Oh. That is just... LOL, and gross, at the same time.

Full House

[qzee.livejournal.com]

Joey was short on rent money, again, for the eighteenth time in a row, but neither Dan nor Jesse minded for that meant they would get free use of his ass and mouth every day for the next thirty days, but they were both beginning to suspect that Joey was purposelly setting it up so that he WOULD be short on rent money and were intent to see if he just wanted to become their steady "rent boy." (sorry to anyone whom this sitcom was sacred/their favourite when younger)

Re: Full House

[aecamadi.livejournal.com]

I'm scarred for life.

Stargate: SG-1

[katydidmischief.livejournal.com]

Jack grinned at his partner - definitely drunk if the sheep's bladder on Daniel's head was something to go by - and hoped this outing to the Planet of the Bad Western Musicals would end Sam's teasing about Jack's 'incident' on the Planet of the Sex Orgies.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine

[qzee.livejournal.com]

Garak may be plain and simple, but he was also simply fabulous, what with his silver sequined gown, blue feather boa, six inch Monolo Blahnik shoes and tastefully applied makeup, he was now ready to find his glorious, handsome, studmuffin of a man, one Julian Sabatoi Bashir and snog him within an inch of his life.

Re: Star Trek Deep Space Nine

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Ha!

SGA-rpf

[2of7.livejournal.com]

"How bad can it possibly be," David said as he clicked on the folder on the computer labeled 'McShep-fanfic'.

Re: SGA-rpf

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

ahahaha, brilliant!

[marinarusalka.livejournal.com]

Sarah Connor felt her frozen heart melting and long-dormant emotions reawakening within her bosom as she gazed adoringly at Derek's manly form and realized that after all these years of fighting and running, of carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, she had finally found a man to take care of her and keep her safe.

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

*screams*

I think in terms of 'fanfic I would click the back button for and then run screaming from the room', that one definitely, definitely wins so far.

Blakes7

[executrix.livejournal.com]

Helplessly, Blake found himself toppling into those icy yet limpid ebony pools until, with catlike grace, Avon pulled him back and ringingly exclaimed, "Will you watch where you're going for once, Blake?"

Re: Blakes7

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Heh heh. Brilliant.

SPN

[angstpuppy.livejournal.com]

'This is wrong,' Sammy thought to himself, (no, he mentally corrected, Sam, only Dean is allowed to call me Sammy) wrong on so many levels, like the level of Hell his Dad was going to crawl out of if he ever caught wind of what his sons were doing to each other at this very moment, wrong but oh so right and it wasn't like they were going to make two headed babies, well not unless he couldn't reverse that hermophrodite spell that had recently been cast on Dean.

edit: Would you believe that the bad spelling was on purpose to make it even worse???? Yeah, didn't think so. "hermaphrodite"
*head desk*

Re: SPN

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

This is so good (and by good, I mean bad, of course) on so many levels. The fact that Sam can't call himself Sammy... the content, the, the... wow. Well done.

Harry Potter

[qzee.livejournal.com]

Filch picked up the body of the first year student, slung it over one shoulder and carried it to the lake, where he fed the child to the Giant Squid, like always and then made his way to Dumbledore to tell him the news of another child's unfortunate death during detention.

Re: Harry Potter

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

Totally happened! :-)

SGA

[sholio]

As Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay writhed in terrified arousal, Todd's spiny, eagerly dripping Wraithhood extended to its full six-foot length.

Re: SGA

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!!!

LOTR/Top Gear *snicker*

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

"i'm not sure," Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, hair to the throne of Gondor and Arnore and beloved of the hot elvin babe Arwin, also known as Thorngil and Ellezzar Green Stone, said while scratching his greasy hair in the Forest of Fangorn, "But I think thats Stig the White."

Re: LOTR/Top Gear *snicker*

[morebliss.livejournal.com]

I want you to write this!

SGA AU

[morebliss.livejournal.com]

Meredith and Rodney McKay were identical, with the same sun-streaked blonde hair, aquamarine eyes, oval faces, crooked smiles, and matching lavaliere necklaces both boys wore, presents from their parents on the twins’ sweet sixteenth birthday.

Re: SGA AU

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahahahahaaaaa!

Top Gear

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

Captain James May's impeccably appointed pure white Triumph Herald (outfitted with an exquisite replica 17th century cutter topsail and mast) slid pacifically into the algae-dotted reservoir and skimmed across its mirrored surface exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Blake's 7

[entropy-house.livejournal.com]

Avon noticed that it was a dark and stormy night, but since they were in space in the middle of an asteroid field this really wasn't worth bringing to the attention of the pilot desperately trying to save all their lives by heroics of piloting skill acquired- nay, stolen- during the long years he had served the Federation before observing for himself first-hand not only how cruel and sadistic they were, but that his immediate supervisors were unworthy of him and really hadn't what it took to keep him properly in his place-- fortunately for Avon, he had what it took, but then, he also knew better than to give it away-- life was cheap, but Avon was expensive.

Re: Blake's 7

[blakefancier.livejournal.com]

Avon is very expensive. *grins* Like a good wine.

SGA

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Rodney knew he wasn't the slimmest astrophysicist on Atlantis, with his embarrassing chubby paunch made even more obvious by middle age, but even he was beginning to worry about how long he was going to be able to keep Caldwell's baby a secret from his loving husband John.

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

Her blood sugar dropping, Jennifer had no choice but to drop her pants, root around, and dislodge the rotini from her vagina.

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Oh oh oh, WHAT? *crosses legs*

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

The pasties was beginning to itch where they is fixed to Rodnies chest, and he was forced to said, "HEY, what is I, chopped lemons with limes?"

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

"What do you mean, the bratwrust are sentient?" the irascible, brilliant scientist asked the tall, slinky Lieutenant Colonel with the rakish hair.

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's so bad.

[yue_ix]

The slimy stuff smelled like a combination of his old gym clothes after a training session, of his hand after he mastubated, and of European forest; John took a deep breath of the stuff and wrinkled his nose before he started yelling for Ronon or Teyla, hoping the caverneous feeling of the place would make his voice echo (but that prooved to be a bad idea when one of the tentacles unwrapped from his chest and slided along his neck and jaw to penetrate into his surprised mouth) - he tried to bite into it, but another wrapped around his throat and tightened until he gasped for air and the one already in his mouth slickly got in deeper, making him gag around it but not choke.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Yeek! And yet...SGA: home of canon tentacle porn!