Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

Smart Bitches Trashy Books is having a contest in honor of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Winners. Two years ago, I held a similar contest. I feel like it's time to bring it back—with a vengeance!

Here are the rules:

1. Comment with the worst sentence you can imagine opening a fic. I am opening this up to any and all fandoms this year, with the caveat that, as the initial judge, I may be more partial to fandoms I am familiar with. Note: the sentence should be a sentence. Crazy punctuation is fine and even encouraged, but opening paragraphs will not be counted. ETA: You're welcome to make as many entries as you like. I'd recommend one per comment for clarity, but I'm not gonna be a stickler on that.

2. On Thursday morning-ish, I will choose my ten favorite entries for everyone to vote on. Feel free to comment on your favorite entries; my opinions on matters unpolitical can often be swayed. ;-)

3. Voting will run through the weekend; on Monday I will announce the winners and possibly some runners-up. There will be prizes! (Most likely a selection of used books on numerous enchanting subjects.)

4. Feel free to link! Let's see if we can make this an omnifannish extravaganza.

And...go!

Comments

HP

[vampirehunter85.livejournal.com]

She stood triumphant over Voldermort's dead body as all of Hogwart's crowded around her, her multi-color hair shining silver and ruby in the moonlight, her orbs shining blood and sapphire and ichor dripping from the gun katana wand and said "I am she who was predicted from an even olderer and powerfuler prophecy, and I have come to warn you have an even eviler evil that is coming," and her with her voice, all the men rose instantly to attention.

Re: HP

[telesilla.livejournal.com]

the gun katana wand

The whole thing is brilliant, but this bit is pure win!

SGA again :)

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

Watching the jedi-like antics of the mystical young village elder, who looked like a cross between a cat and Jesus, Teyla realised she probably should have smoked that weed Rodney had offered her earlier.

Re: SGA again :)

[katydidmischief.livejournal.com]

*spits out water* Poor Teyla and her lack of weed.

SGA

[thelibraniniquity]

Would it technically count as sex with another person, Rodney wondered as he looked into the mirror and saw that incessant hair standing at all ends, if he jerked off while trapped in John Sheppard's body?

Re: SGA again :)

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

Oh this has sooooo been done.

SGA - one for the guys, this time *g*

[debris_k.livejournal.com]

Teyla tried to suppress a shudder of disgust as she watched Luscius Luvin sidle up to Woolsey and press close to whisper seductively into his ear while rubbing her body indecently against the other man's, and cursed herself for accepting that gadget as a peace offering from that spineless double crossing son-of-a-ra'ttat-bird.

[siria]

Lorne looked himself over in the mirror one final time—anxious that his carefully slicked back hair, loafers worn without socks, the turquoise tank top, the pegged white trousers, would all complement his muscular 5"9 frame and his eyes that were the colour of the Pacific Ocean when the ocean is blue green—hoping against hope that Radek would notice him across the crowded mess hall and approve, that he would think Lorne looked as suave and European as some suave European guy.

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

This one is made of win. The whole thing is great, but that last phrase is killer, "... as suave and European as some suave European guy." Unbelievable.

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, when no one was looking, usually during the night shift when no one cared what with it being late and all, Chuck would stare down at the gate and picture it lit in all its glory, shield shining brightly, and imagine the shocked faces and the satisfying thuds as the incoming team collided with the energy barrier like bugs on a windshield, whispering to himself, “Who’s the Top Canuck now, bitch?”

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

HA1 Go Chuck!

A tribute to my all-time favorite entry (not eligible)

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

"I'm back!" Lucius Lavin said.

Re: A tribute to my all-time favorite entry (not eligible)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaaaaaaack!

*covers head and hides*

[cleothemuse.livejournal.com]

Sam had to do something drastic to get Jack to stop drooling after Daniel, and the neatly labeled bottle of "Love Potion No. 9" looked like the perfect solution.

[(Anonymous)]

sure, why not?

[janne-d.livejournal.com]

Her golden tresses blew in the wind of eternity, her eyes glowed deep golden brown with true compassion for the universe and her teeth twinkled like stars as the Doctor fell to his knees and swore undying love with tears in his eyes and throbbing emotion in his voice, feeling truly inferior for the first time in his life in front of the incomparable and brilliant Time Lady Rose Tyler.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'd count that as a gorge successfully raised!

Torchwood

[thi13enthghost.livejournal.com]

Whenever Jack looked at Gwen he felt so much love he thought his heart would burst.

Re: Torchwood

[viva-gloria.livejournal.com]

you are Russell T Davies and I claim my £5

SGA

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

John watched as Rodney, his Rodney, his scientist stood in the doorway of the balcony that was nearest the West Pier, which was good because there wasn't a balcony on the North Pier and if Rodney had been standing there he would've drowned messily which would've been, you know, kind of bad, but fortunately, there the astrophysicist was, just looking much as he never had before, didn't now and probably never would again - who knew a little Clairol 6R dye could make such a change in someone?

Re: SGA

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful.

And by wonderful, I mean wonderfully bad, of course.

SGA

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

The factory smokestack from across the street belched smoke, blurring Rodney’s view of the blue sky that spread above him as he stood outside the Hackensack White Manna (358 River Street, not quite within easy walking distance of the ice rink, but really, not too bad) waiting for Sheppard to bring him his burgers, dammit, and wondering if he could ice skate while this bloody drunk or, you know, not, and yeah, he knew he wasn’t British and stuff, but if Canadians could spell color “colour”, why not say “bloody” as well, eh?

Torchwood

[roaringmice.livejournal.com]

Ianto hadn’t been gay until, like, you know, he totally was, and it was Captain Jack that had turned him, because, come on, seriously, have you ever seen the man?

Re: Torchwood

[nimnod.livejournal.com]

Brilliant =)

SGA

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

Rodney was utterly horrified to discover that new and totally hot brunette captain with the strange purple eyes, who swore like a trooper and was insanely good with a gun and at martial arts - she'd totally taken Ronon and Teyla on and won with her superior fighting skills, but had been really like modest about it - was in actual fact John's half sister, twice removed, once lost, and the daughter of an ancient, which also meant she had kick ass powers of telekinesis and healing - that didn't really show up till she got to Atlantis, discovered she was the saviour of the galaxy and fell in love with Rodney.

Re: SGA

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

Nooooooooo! LOL!

[thingswithwings.livejournal.com]

Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, commander of Atlantis, a military outpost in the Pegasus Galaxy, was worried because he thought he might be gay and in love with Doctor Rodney McKay, which wasn't bad because John was prejudiced or anything, but because he knew that Rodney was as Straight as could be, where John felt as gay as possible for him.

[tropes.livejournal.com]

This is a summary of 60% of fics in fandom. I approve.

and, in honour of this week's episode . . .

[thingswithwings.livejournal.com]

There was only one time in his life that John Sheppard was pleased to discover a flying monkey in his pants.

Re: and, in honour of this week's episode . . .

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

OH God! ROFL

[cat-77.livejournal.com]

Rodney stared down in awe at the bulging stomach creating life before his very eyes, knowing there would be skepticism and scorn from the others later but that, for now at least, Teyla’s baby was safe inside him.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

...I have read EXACTLY this fic in [fandom withheld to preserve the dignity of everyone involved].

Star Trek the Original Series

[qzee.livejournal.com]

People had begun to disappear on Enterprise, but no one noticed because James Tiberius Kirk was fluffing his hair and looking in the mirror while practicing long speeches full of mixed metaphores, and it was that time of the decade for Spock, and Leonard McCoy was drunk AGAIN and so was Scotty, but maybe the potted plant Gertrude noticed how people were beginning to dissappear, but if she did, she hadn't told anyone, but they were, in fact disappearing and it was all because of the Redshirt Who Lived! *Thunder*

Re: Star Trek the Original Series

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

RESHIRTS REVOLT! LOL!

SGA

[tropes.livejournal.com]

"Colonel John Sheppard," Todd intoned, his voice gravelly with suppressed desire, "have you never had cause to compare Wraith reproductive organs to those of yourself and other humans?"

Re: SGA

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

Ewwwwwww!

SGA

[katydidmischief.livejournal.com]

"No, really, my dick is bigger than Ronan's - Rodney measured!" John declared across the meeting table.

Edited because I'm full of fail.

Re: SGA

[ladyoflisquill.livejournal.com]

::blinks::

LOL!

Final Fantasy VIII

[darkrosetiger.livejournal.com]

As he crouched beside the sobbing sniper, Squall couldn't help noticing the light floral fragrance coming from Irvine's hair underneath the cowboy hat, and how it went perfectly with the Galbadian's violet eyes, now shimmering with unshed tears that the gunblade expert was aching to kiss away.

Re: Final Fantasy VIII

[dragovianknight.livejournal.com]

Oh dear gods. ^__^

[spazatron.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Goddess," the Wicca intoned, "I don't care if Xander's having a thousand of Spike's babies--I am not playing magickal midwife again."

BtVS/Angel

[m1ssannethrop1c.livejournal.com]

"Stop it!" yelled Buffy to the astonishment of both Angel and Spike, "STOP fighting over me. I love both of you equally, so I think we should all retire and buy a lovely home in Bountiful, British Columbia. (http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/features/polygamy/index.html)

*grins*

[tropes.livejournal.com]

WAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA

SGA

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

"John!" cried Rodney, "It's not what it looks like!" as Caldwell scrabbled for the sheet to cover his gently rounding belly.

Re: SGA

[tropes.livejournal.com]

Oh my God.