SGA Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

cincodemaygirl pointed out that the winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. This is the contest where people try to create the worst opening sentence of a novel EVER. Glancing over the winners, I remembered that ages back someone had done a BtVS version of the contest. (My favorite entry was, and still is, "I'm back!" Riley said.) And I thought: Dude, we need to have the SGA version of this, like, yesterday.

So! Comment here with the worst possible sentence you can imagine opening an SGA fic. On Friday morning, I'll pick a winner and maybe a few runners-up and there will be prizes of some kind. (Maybe fic, maybe something else.) Hopefully, if enough people play, this will be entertaining enough to get us through to the premiere.

I may also compose a few bad sentences myself, although obviously, I am not qualified to win my own contest. *g* Oh, and please feel free to pimp this!

Okay...go!

ETA: In response to a question: Yes, you can enter as many times as you want. *eg*

Comments

[lallybroch.livejournal.com]

Okay, I've got one more:

John strummed his guitar as Rodney's beautiful tenor echoed around the campsite.

[porntestpilot.livejournal.com]

Are they both on fire?

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Are they singing "Kumbaya"?

[lallybroch.livejournal.com]

BWA!

And...yes.

[wychwood]

OK, this accomplishes the impossible extremely improbable by being funnier than the original sentence *g*

[emma-in-oz.livejournal.com]

John pouted as he held his guitar, his storm of emotoins reminded him of a song his girlfriend in college liked... what was her name? Sarah McLaughlin.

[symath.livejournal.com]

This is an awesome idea! I'm not sure if mine even registers amidst the oceans of badness around here, but I have one nonetheless :)


The useless Epipen fell from John's suddenly nerveless fingers to shatter and splash sparkling droplets of epinephrine, like the crystal tears running down past Rodney's cyanotic lips, onto the callous stones of the sun-drenched meadow.

[melagan.livejournal.com]

cyanotic lips

You Rule *g*

[symath.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I will admit though, I had to check that there was an adjectival form for cyanosis.

[furina-1975.livejournal.com]

Crystal Tears. Nice. Very, very nice.

[symath.livejournal.com]

Or even better:


As the useless Epipen fell from John's suddenly nerveless fingers to shatter and splash sparkling droplets of epinephrine, like the crystal tears running down past Rodney's cyanotic lips, onto the callous stones of the sun-drenched meadow, he thought with embarressed fervour, "blue really does bring out Rodney's eyes."

edited for punctuation.

[keraha.livejournal.com]

"Oh, no," Rodney chirped at the Wraith, one hand at his fly. "Fuck you."

It hurt me to write this . . .

[everysecondtues.livejournal.com]

"I think we should give up our weapons," John earnestly explained, eyes shining like a full moon on a starlit night, lips quivering like a bowl full of jello [an:but not lime jello-- I hate lime jello] "and if we do that, and try to explain to the wraith about world peace, and happiness, and, and puppies, than we can all be happy and listen to the beatles and rodney will finally love me."

Ronon giggled.

"Let's just kill them all," suggested Weir.

Re: It hurt me to write this . . .

[wildgreentide.livejournal.com]

"Let's just kill them all," suggested Weir.

Ha! Fabulous.

[keraha.livejournal.com]

"You're just trying to be a good writer, John," Rodney said, giving only a cursory glance at his overflowing inbox. "Just pretending to be half as good as me."

"Who'se pretending?"

[everysecondtues.livejournal.com]

One more:

"Oh, Rodney," Sam simpered, flinging her arms around his neck and jumping into his strong, manly arms, unheeding of the jealous stares of the rest of the gateroom, "I came through the gate because I couldn't wait--I had to admit that not only are you smarter than I am, but I also love you and your big, sexy brain. Take me now!"

[furina-1975.livejournal.com]

OK. One more. John fingered his black wrist band; he knew that there were many, many theories about why he wore the wrist band; but none would ever guess the real reason, he wore the band to cover his shame--his tatoo, the ill gotten gain of that one night years ago, the night that he doesn't remember, the night that made him swear off tequila forever, the tatoo that simply said: Cock 4ever.

[porntestpilot.livejournal.com]

I will read that story and frame it on my wall.

[porntestpilot.livejournal.com]

Rodney stared sadly at the dripping ceiling as the slime mold wrapped itself around John, even Ancient fungus loved Sheppard more.

or how about:

The real nightmare began the day Sheppard's hair went flat.

[pollitt.livejournal.com]

United States Air Force Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, whose beauty and devil-may-care attitude had made everyone he met fall madly in love with him or else hate his guts, looked into the light sapphire blue eyes of his best friend in the whole wide world (or universe, since, yeah, Pegasus) and raise a trembling finger to touch the crooked--we're talking Picasso level crooked--mouth as he tried to find the words that wouldn't move past the lump in his throat, and he could feel his artfully mussed, finger-in-the-socket hairstyle even starting to wilt, so John took a deep breath and said what was on his mind, "Rod, I'm a fag. Flaming, even. I've never had sex with a woman. Ever. Boobs scare me. And I'm in love with you, please say you love me back, because if you don't, I might die, I want you that much."

Proof that I should go to bed

[rokeon.livejournal.com]

Kolya was wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

[furina-1975.livejournal.com]

Rodney stumbled into his quarters, eyes glowing with unshead tears, went over to his cd player and hit play, as the soft, dulcet tones of Evanessence filled the aincent space, he meditated on his pain and decided to rename his quarters, "the place where I come to cry."

[dracostella.livejournal.com]

While John had been semi-successful at resisting the seductive intelligence of one Rodney McKay, all of his resistance became futile when Lorne and Parrish's latest adventures in finding a kinky place to have sex turned on a cryptic Ancient device that transformed John's favorite scientist into a chubby orange tabby with penetrating blue eyes.

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

Oooh! I'm so glad people in other fandoms are doing this!! The last time I saw a fannish Bulwer-Lytton contest was back in 2001 with slashers who wrote in Star Wars:The Phantom Menace (http://www.geocities.com/master_fishgoat/bulwer.html) fandom. :D

[capra-maritimus.livejournal.com]

They looked at each other, shocked, these two titans of science, one from the frozen north, the other from the not-so-frozen North (technically more north-east than north but still...), and then as one Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka turned with the haughty stentorian dignity of Pharoahs to face their current nemesis (and, oh, what a vile, despicable strumpet she was!) who, without regard for propriety or function, was busily stapling Col. Sheppard's rumpled neon green boxers to the overflowing bulletin board in the secret sub-level lab, crying, "Elizabeth has the Preciousss! Oh, yessssss!!"