SGA Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

cincodemaygirl pointed out that the winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. This is the contest where people try to create the worst opening sentence of a novel EVER. Glancing over the winners, I remembered that ages back someone had done a BtVS version of the contest. (My favorite entry was, and still is, "I'm back!" Riley said.) And I thought: Dude, we need to have the SGA version of this, like, yesterday.

So! Comment here with the worst possible sentence you can imagine opening an SGA fic. On Friday morning, I'll pick a winner and maybe a few runners-up and there will be prizes of some kind. (Maybe fic, maybe something else.) Hopefully, if enough people play, this will be entertaining enough to get us through to the premiere.

I may also compose a few bad sentences myself, although obviously, I am not qualified to win my own contest. *g* Oh, and please feel free to pimp this!

Okay...go!

ETA: In response to a question: Yes, you can enter as many times as you want. *eg*

Comments

[wildgreentide.livejournal.com]

Miko had never known anyone as brave, strong, or smart as Dr. Rodney McKay, a fact that she had the opportunity to reflect upon at length while she watched Dr. McKay serenade Major John Sheppard with "Holding Out For a Hero"; at that moment, Miko knew she had made the right choice in bringing her karaoke machine to Atlantis as her personal item, for she was pleased to think that it might be her destiny to help bring these two men together in eternal love and devotion.

[stellahobbit.livejournal.com]

Words cannot express how much I love this. So I'll have to do this -

DJADSJFLDJASDFJLDSFJDFADSFJLKFA

[stellahobbit.livejournal.com]

They're all good, but the last three are awesome :-)

[hyperfocused.livejournal.com]

"Oh, yes! Joh --- ahhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh aaaaahhh ahhhh aaaaahhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhh aaaaaahhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh SPLAT" went Rodney, as John fucked him over the balcony, his monster orgrasm changing from ultimate pleasure to ultimate horror as the ten thousand year old structure collapsed, sending them both hurtling into the blue-green ocean, to be subsumed by the waves, much like the Atlantis they'd once thought legendary -- legendary like the love he and John shared, but all too real.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

SPLAT

*spews coffee on monitor*

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

But I like Ford! *sniff*

(Points for trying.)

[lavvyan.livejournal.com]

Take that:

Night rolled down the hills to pool in the little valley, drowning the puddle jumper in a sea of black darkness.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

"Black darkness". The best kind, obviously.

[ilexa.livejournal.com]

Rodney McKay moaned like a dying scraw'ju - which was what the indigenous Athosians called the cow-like creatures that lived under the bubbling waterfalls on the sprawling mainland - as Atlantis (or John's sentient girlfriend, the physicist though derisively), who must have been reading his thoughts again, suddenly created a mirrored reflective surface out of thin air on his ceiling above his bed, where he lay sprawled with a pint of chocolate chip ice cream that he pilfered from Lt. Cadman and Katie Brown's Girls Poker Night just yesterday, and turned, disgusted at his huge bloated scientist's body that would never earn him the love of John "Captain Kirk Styles My Hair" Shepard, who he had been in love with since he first clapped eyes on him back in Antartica when he sat in the Chair of the Ancients and brought it - and Rodney's heart - to evenescent life.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

LOL! Sling those subordinate clauses, baby!

[claire.livejournal.com]

"It's not that I don't love you," said the taller man to the scientist, "I love you more than I could ever imagine loving anyone! I will love you forever! I will love you until the end of time! It's just that I can't imagine putting my pee-pee in where your poo-poo comes out!"

[stellahobbit.livejournal.com]

::dies a thousand deaths::

[tidal_race]

Sorry if this has already been done but I don't want to wade through all 310 entries yet.

Elizabeth(or Teyla(Teyla might be more distrubing)) threw herself at Kavanuagh like a love sick pre-teen who'd read Romeo and Juliet for the first time. "But I love you!" she wailed.

[stellahobbit.livejournal.com]

#1 - You slink into his room; nostrils twitching like your second favourite cat (the one that died of overeating) as his beguiling scent wafts, wafts towards you like that pole dancer you once gave $20 to for a lap dance in that seedy bar in Toronto, not realising she was actually Todd, the guy that was two years above you in school and had played the tuba in the school band until it was too late.

#2 – When Rodney had sexily whispered to John of his flexibility, John thought he was just boasting, but there was no way in hell someone who hadn't had proper training would be able to contort their body into that position, and also be able to maintain it while their arse was getting lovingly pounded by some Air Force cock.

[hth-the-first.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what really makes that first one *go* -- it's either the tuba, or the repetition of "wafts, wafts." This is a sentence of many mysteries, and I bow down before it.

[d-copper.livejournal.com]

John posted the story of his unrequited love for Rodney on adultfanfiction.net and was directed to Minotaur Sex Tips for Slash Writers.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Hey, that page is very helpful! Um. Yeah. *skulks off*

[hyperfocused.livejournal.com]

"What do you mean you and Major Sheppard used the last of the Wraith enzyme for lube??!!" Lt. Ford screeched as Rodney waved his hands apologetically and also sexily.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

No, no, this is an awesome sentence. Sexy Rodney hand-waving! An inventive and really much more healthy use for the Wraith enzyme!

[siria]

"Oh, John" Teyla said, eyes wide, hands clasped, "tell me more of this wonderful Republican Party to which you have long pledged your allegiance, and also of your glorious leader Bush."

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

*is reduced to hysterical sobbing*

[klo-the-hobbit.livejournal.com]

Aigh! This is an awesome idea! The minute I read it this popped into my head *hates self*

Rodney's expressive cerulean eyes swam with unshed tears as he watched the man he loved more than life itself stalk away from him. A choked sob broke from his throat and he caught a glimpse of John's shocked face as he turned, before he fled down the corridor, hot tears streaming down his pale cheeks.

*shudders* Now to go read all the others! *settles in for a good read*
*klo*

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Oooh. *cringes* Nice. Bonus points for cerulean!

[melagan.livejournal.com]

I know I should stop but so far no one has done the Classic;


Ever since Rodney found out that the glowy sex with Chaya gave John an extra cock he’s been after him like a train engine, the kind that leaves Chicago heading north at 60 mph and John is like that other train that can only run at 45 mph.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

I love really awful metaphors, and so I clutch yours to my chest like a wino clutches his paper bag-covered bottle of cheap wine.

[30toseoul.livejournal.com]

"Rodney," John said sincerely, cuddling up to his snuggly scientist, "I know that you're a workaholic meglomaniac and I'm a repressed borderline with a death wish and that our home runs the risk of total annihilation at least twice a week, but I really think we need to consider adopting a baby."

(Okay, sorry -- not a bad first sentence as much as vicious plot sarcasm, but I couldn't resist. *g*)

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Heeheeheeheehee!

[wychwood]

The arrival of Alyssyynn Ravenwing Adoracion Liraelle Snape Xavier-Lehnsherr Kirk, tossing her beautiful luxuriant auburn hair out of her iridiscent silvery purple eyes, sent the whole of Atlantis into a ferment of love surpassed only by the joyful reaction to the news that Teyla was about to carry out the traditional Athosian ceremony (as passed down from the mighty Ancients but obviously not that evil bitch Chaya, perhaps it was Janus' idea because I like him and he was kind of hot, you know?) to eternally bind together the twin souls of John Sheppard and his darling Roddykins, sadistic scourge of the Science department and frequent tear-inducer in the Marines - not because they were weak or effeminate, but because his grasp of scathing insults like "did you get your degree from Clown College" was so shattering to their egos that they simply could not withstand the pain - surpassed, as I say, only by that, because everyone adored Liri (as she liked to be known) so wholeheartedly that all the couples and threesomes in the city broke up (except for Johnny and Roddy, of course) in order to spend more time caring for her and doing their best to fulfil her every whim, whether it be for something as minor as the remote for Jumper One (previously John's favourite, but even he could not withstand the sight of the crystalline tears in her limpid argent pools) or as major as the brand-new ZPM, which Rodney handed over to her happily just before she left through the wormhole, crying, "Ha ha, suckers!".

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

That is the best Mary Sue story EVER written!

his grasp of scathing insults like "did you get your degree from Clown College" was so shattering to their egos that they simply could not withstand the pain

This, especially, wins. *g*

[archerlass.livejournal.com]

I read this misuse of vocabulary in another fandom and I never recovered. I'll share the pain here in an desperate effort to bring on self-healing... ;)

Rodney eased onto the bed behind John and slipped his arm around John's waste.

*cringes anew*

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Rodney! Wear gloves!

[lallybroch.livejournal.com]

Okay, I want to play too!

“I am a scientist you know not a superhero and Kavanaugh that better not be citrus because I am deathly allergic-Jesus Christ, it would be nice if anyone could remember how important it is for me to be protected since I am the smartest person in all of Atlantis and your all stupid idiots who should have been shot as soon as you were born!” Rodney screamed at the Colonel, who was laying slouched on top of Rodney's science lab table, lifting Ancient weights that were glowing with one hand and using his eyebrow and mouth to smirk attractively.

[hth-the-first.livejournal.com]

I think I've read that story....

2 more

[daydreamer.livejournal.com]

"I don't understand how your team gets itself into these situations," Elizabeth sighed, looking down at the four traffic lights on her desk - a skinny one with an unruly tuft of wires coming out of the top, a somewhat portly one glowing grumpily red at her glass of orange juice, a really big one with knives tucked into all of its crevices, and dark yellow one with its outer casing cut away provocatively around the middle.



Also, couldn't resist the obvious:

"I'm back!" Chaya said.

Re: 2 more

[pandarus.livejournal.com]

::spits tea on keyboard::

OMG. So perfect.

[minese.livejournal.com]

"DUDE!" shouted McKay, suddenly standing to attention as Samantha Carter sauntered through the Stargate, clothed entirely in duct-tape.

[lizamanynames.livejournal.com]

....would everyone hear stone me if I said that I really, really really really really really really want to see this one written?

[shiny-starlight.livejournal.com]

1) "FOOD FIGHT!!!!" the 38 year old, Military commander of Atlantis, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard screamed before throwing his funky pink potatoes at Colonel Caldwell, before running from the Mess Hall, giggling like a five year old.


2) "I've determined Rodney's cause of death to be too much sex," Carson told the assembled command staff. As one, they all turned to glare at John. "What?" he shrugged.


3) "If you can't beat them, eat 'em," Ronon grinned smugly to himself as he tucked into his double decker Wraith burger with Queen Sauce

[girlnamedpixley.livejournal.com]

John Shepard's eyes flashed with anger, like a violent storm of hazel-colored lightning with gold flecks, his face showing the barely controlled rage that made him shake with the effort of trying to control his rage, which he could barely do.

[pandarus.livejournal.com]

That's *masterly*.

::is awed::

last one because i'm scaring myself.

[veracity]

Bates watched as his superior welcomed back a magically healed (and way hotter, though he’d deny that to his dying day) and full of intel Lieutenant Ford into the team as Ronon was pushed back to Sateda without a by-him-leave, and with the brawny hulk of a man went his vitriolic but never be the same heart; a single tear out of his left eye slide down his cheek as he remained hidden behind the same pillar Dr. Weir had stood behind when Janus and the Ancient left during that first tragic expedition very few people knew about; he would get revenge for taking his well-endowed lover away from, and he’d start with that Athosian native bitch Teyla.

(Oh, lord. I think I broke my brain on that one.)

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Carson read the Ancient Database entry on cross-species breeding and thought, Ewe.

[veracity]

*dies laugh* Oh, I just love that one. Ewe, indeed.

Still not seeing it coming...

[cyanne]

Yay, a competition where my talent for runon sentences is actually a good thing. Here goes, thanks much for letting me play:

"Why do I never see these things coming, " John thought frantically as he felt the telltale tingle of the ancient converter beam transforming his body into yet another alien form, hoping that this time he wouldn't be covered in fur as he remembered when he and Rodney had temporarily become cute fluffy bunnies that the nurses, both male and female, couldn't seem to stop petting, not that he minded being petted but Rodney had complained for a week that if he was going to be turned into something fuzzy why couldn't he at least be a cat, but the bunnies were nothing compared to the time when he'd been turned into a panda bear and couldn't stop craving the Pegasus version of bamboo for weeks after he'd returned to human form or the occasion he'd become a cross between an eagle and a hawk that was the color of a canary but the flying had been cool and some days he still missed that but, of course, of all the things the glowing devices had turned him into over the years this was by far the worst, eclipsing the time when their entire team had been turned into a pack of ravenous ligers (Ford's disastrous attempt to name the lion/tiger hybrid), the two weeks spent as drooling dragons, or the memorable occasion when he and Rodney had morphed into penguins, the chance to have sex in public almost being worth the teasing that followed for a month after, but even more annoyingly Rodney still hadn't let up about the time John had become a pseudo chia pet, jokes about his hair apparently never got old (neither did the Kirk jokes come to think of it and those were even more annoying) but even that experience paled in comparison to becoming an inanimate object, there really wasn't anything in the universe like discovering you'd been turned into a pumpkin just after the Daedalus had arrived with a barrel of whipped cream and it being near Thanksgiving back on Earth, the combination of factors being a much more dangerous fate than being a pumpkin sounded like at first blush, but all in all John supposed he should be grateful he'd never been turned into a quivering pile of lemon jello or a flying spaghetti monster, but it was the Pegasus Galaxy and therefore most probably only a matter of time before that happened, but he put off worrying about the future in favor of wishing with all his might that Rodney could fix this quickly because being a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater really, really sucked.

Re: Still not seeing it coming...

[bibliotech.livejournal.com]

...you are a god.