SGA Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

cincodemaygirl pointed out that the winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. This is the contest where people try to create the worst opening sentence of a novel EVER. Glancing over the winners, I remembered that ages back someone had done a BtVS version of the contest. (My favorite entry was, and still is, "I'm back!" Riley said.) And I thought: Dude, we need to have the SGA version of this, like, yesterday.

So! Comment here with the worst possible sentence you can imagine opening an SGA fic. On Friday morning, I'll pick a winner and maybe a few runners-up and there will be prizes of some kind. (Maybe fic, maybe something else.) Hopefully, if enough people play, this will be entertaining enough to get us through to the premiere.

I may also compose a few bad sentences myself, although obviously, I am not qualified to win my own contest. *g* Oh, and please feel free to pimp this!

Okay...go!

ETA: In response to a question: Yes, you can enter as many times as you want. *eg*

Comments

[siria]

"Gosh," Rodney said as the team walked back towards the gate after yet another entirely routine mission, "The natives have seemed so nice to us, and their technology has been turned to entirely peaceful purposes; how could we ever think that--argh!"

[sweetvalleyslut.livejournal.com]

Hee! Love the cliche!

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

It's just not fair," John sobbed to a sympathetic Caldwell, tears and snot streaming down his face messily. "Why does everyone like Rodney better than me?"

[claire.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

"You're my Kirk, now, John!" Rodney declared, weaving his fingers through Shep's chest hair and holding on tight as everyone in the mess hall (except Kavanagh, who was sulking and using the grease in his ponytail to polish the gun with which he would later end his life) leapt to their feet and cheered.

[no-detective.livejournal.com]

Oh, excellent!

(I think it's the using the grease in his ponytail to polish the gun with which he would later end his life that really kills.)

[witchofthedogs.livejournal.com]

I can't help it if I liked Tony Hawk in the 80's, John said with a shrug and a feigned grimace in Rodney's direction, The wristband thing just kinda stuck.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Aw, that's not bad so much as... you know, as plausible as any other reasons for the wristband. At least you didn't say it was to hide his tragic attempted suicide scars!

[alden-k.livejournal.com]

"So, okay," Rodney said to himself, his voice a little higher than usual, "maybe wanting to fuck Colonel Sheppard DOES make me a little gay."

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I've read a version of that line in a story... Heh.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

When Laura finally agreed to a threesome, Carson couldn't believe his luck; his mother would be so pleased.

[siria]

OH GOD TRIN MY BRAIN.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

Whee! What great ideas you have!

John's heart had swelled like a budding yeast colony many a time at the sound of his love Rodney's musical voice, but today it sank more quickly than a corpse weighted down with cement galoshes when he walked into the Medlab and heard Rodney utter these fateful words:

"Carson, does this look like crabs to you?"

[siria]

*rocks backwards and forwards and cries*

[siria]

"Take me, you wiry Czech stallion!" Elizabeth cried as she pushed Radek onto her desk; she had always known she needed a good fucking to make a proper woman of her.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

Oh my GOD. *sporfle*

[sweetvalleyslut.livejournal.com]

Michael pinned an unresisting Teyla onto the red silken coverlet of the enormous four-poster bed, and as she gazed in shock at his face, whitened slightly as if he had been hours dead, and into his eyes, the color of raw halibut, she knew that this was the one man who could make her truly submit to his overpowering will and make her truly a thing of his own possession: and she loved him for it.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

I think it's the raw halibut eyes that really makes it work. *cringes and giggles at the same time*

[hyperfocused.livejournal.com]

The official designation of the planet they were visiting for their latest trading mission was KTX811, but after Rodney saw them -- teenagers all -- with their razor slit forearms, dark red painted lips, and the constant music that sounded just like "Evanescence" despite being light years from Earth, he couldn't help but think of it as planet "ktnxbye".

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

OMG, it's the emo planet!

Frighteningly, I think I might actually read a crackfic about that...

[lillian78.livejournal.com]

Rodney found his new female parts kind of hot.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

...Annnnnnnd it's another one where I kind of want to read the rest of the story. *shame*

[furina-1975.livejournal.com]

OK. Ya'll are making me laugh so I'm gonna give this a try.

Sentence the first: After all the strange things that had happened to Rodney durring his stay in the Pegasus galaxy waking up with horns and a tail didn't even rate on his weird-o-meter.

Sentence the second: Rodney McKay, Cheif Scientist, regards his reflection in the aincent mirror, "Rod, you are a sexy bitch," he says to himself as she smooths one hand down his chest, "I think it is time to go to the lab and make somebody cry like a little girl."

[neery.livejournal.com]

I would actually read the first story without a second thought if it wasn't for the typos and grammatical errors. This fandom has corrupted me.

The second one, on the other hand, burns.

*cringe*

[no-detective.livejournal.com]

Sex with Rodney was totally better than piloting his favorite puddle jumper, John realized mid-thrust, and he resolved to spend all of their free time in the foreseeable future increasing his total of the McKay frequent flyer miles.

Re: *cringe*

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

You know, I seriously would read this fic, I would.

And I would love it *G*.

[hackthis.livejournal.com]

"The Demon... Dicks... of Doom," Rodney translated slowly from the side of the temple. And then John made a noise behind him. A bad noise. Not the good noise of 'yay, sex now' it was more like the noise of 'I know what Demon Dicks of Doom look like, and they are big. And bad. Very bad.'

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

I want to hear John's 'yay, sex now' noise! And I also kinda want to read this story. *hangs head*

[nestra.livejournal.com]

Rodney looked down at his pudgy stomach and sighed; no matter how many times John reassured him that his arms were nice and solid, that his receding hairline made him look smart, or that his ass was heart-shaped and biteable, he knew that someday, Sheppard would leave him for someone who could fire a gun without accidentally ejecting the clip and screaming like a girl.

[hth-the-first.livejournal.com]

I kind of adore this one, except I'm not sure if that's because it's So Very Wrong, or So Very Right.

[bibliotech.livejournal.com]

One day, Rodney woke up and realised that it was really John's hair that had turned him gay.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

The hair! It's evil! And gay-making!

[bruinsfan.livejournal.com]

"I have returned so that you may teach me more of this thing you Earthlings call 'love', John Sheppard," Chaya said, her wide brown eyes promising pleasures even more delicious than the chocolate candies they resembled...

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Eeee, that's awesome. I think I should make a special "'I'm back!' Riley said" award for you, because that's totally on the same level, with a chocolate candy bonus. *g*

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

1)
"Daddy!" The young Wraith child cried as it left the Wraith Queen's arms and ran toward John.

2)
The sea was angry that day, waves crashing down like a bad LSD trip, and as the water level in their cove rose, securing their liquidy aquactic doom, John and Rodney knew the only way to survive was to have underwater cave sex.

I'm bored at work, can you tell?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lemon_lyman_/]

I want to read these stories so very much. What will John's reaction to junior be? How will cave sex save us all? there are just too many glorious possibilities here.

[blinkiesays.livejournal.com]

John loved Rodney exactly in the way he loved his 1986 Chevy Nova, the one that he'd jazzed up with a duel exhaust system, a kickin' stereo and platinum rims, even though all the other guys at the garage had laughed at him.

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Made me laugh out loud in front of people. Good work!

[wychwood]

It was a dark and stormy night - although not as stormy as the night of the Genii invasion, when Koyla had destroyed the fragile serenity of his lover (for Rodney's blustering surface hid the tragic inner depths of his delicate soul from the cruel, hard eyes of the world) and John's heart had been defiled by the ruthless slaughter of so many evil, sadistic Genii warriors - not even as wild as the first night back after their trip to Earth, and the terrible struggle with the Wraith virus that tried to take over the Daedalus, John struggling with Caldwell's obstructionist, sour-grapes stance in order to save all their lives - in fact, perhaps "light rain" would have been a better description of the night when John tripped in the corridor and spilt his tea on the floor.

[wychwood]

PS: Perhaps you should (if you can bear the pain) make all the possible sentences into a set of polls for people to vote on? Or get a few people to narrow it down for you, like a panel, and then have a public vote for the winner(s). That way you can enter,too :)

I have returned to commit more horrors.

[cincodemaygirl.livejournal.com]

Everyone had said sympathetically promised, while they mopped Elizabeth's lily-white brow as she lay on her deathbed, that obviously they would carry out whatever her desperate last wish might be; but it is no exxageration to say that no one was expecting the Spanish inquisition she would demand that they make Kavanagh king of Atlantis.

*

"But John," screeched Steve the Wraith tragically, "I do not wish to eat you-- I wish only to LOVE you!"

*

It was drizzly and cold on Wednesday, the fifth of September, when Rodney McKay, Esquire addressed his gathered group of the finest minds in two galaxies: "Our next, most hallowed duty," he implored them, picking his teeth with a headset mic, "concerns how we will transform Wraith hiveships into giant blocks of Muenster cheese."

p.s. This may be what is known as the bad crack, that I am on. Whoopsie.

Re: I have returned to commit more horrors.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

No, it is the GOOD crack--a very fine vintage! These are all awesome.

[westdean.livejournal.com]

*Well it looked like an Orang-outang but the hazel eyes and spiky hair confirmed that it was actually John, "Oh no!" breathed Rodney, "Ooook," the orange ape plaintively replied.*

And God help me I'm actually writing this fic!

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Oook! Yes! Maybe the Librarian can help him out?

[shiny-starlight.livejournal.com]

Ok, so I saw this and couldnt resist.

"Thats the last time I let John persuade me to get drunk with him," Rodney said as he rubbed the lipstick from his swolen lips and glanced down at his naked, tatood body, and the shaved leg that was shackled to the Stargate."

or

"John swept down the stairs of the gateroom like something out of a Danielle Steel novel: all long legs and sequened dress."

[cerri44.livejournal.com]

I like that secondone... :D just to get that picture right... what colour is his dress? ^^

[cerri44.livejournal.com]

a) "This is the story of how Kavanaugh saved Atlantis."

b) in lieu of I had a farm in Africa.... "I had a room in Atlantis." Lizzy being the narrator here of course...

c) "My people are a strong people." (I like Teyla... but without the thought of her, speaking about her boobs I wouldn't get through any sentence starting or ending with 'my people 'ever again)

[dancinguniverse.livejournal.com]

I love the boob/people trick.

Isn't it fun to look for the best instances of it? My personal favorite so far is Elizabeth in s1 saying, "I'd like to get to know Teyla's people a little better."

[brownbetty]

“Well,” said Rodney Mckay, chief scientist of the galactic outpost known as 'Atlantis,' but better known to its populace as der Fuhrer, “as the chief scientist of Atlantis, it is once again my duty to heroically solve scientific problems, using my genius brain.”