SGA Bulwer-Lytton Contest!

[trinityofone]

cincodemaygirl pointed out that the winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. This is the contest where people try to create the worst opening sentence of a novel EVER. Glancing over the winners, I remembered that ages back someone had done a BtVS version of the contest. (My favorite entry was, and still is, "I'm back!" Riley said.) And I thought: Dude, we need to have the SGA version of this, like, yesterday.

So! Comment here with the worst possible sentence you can imagine opening an SGA fic. On Friday morning, I'll pick a winner and maybe a few runners-up and there will be prizes of some kind. (Maybe fic, maybe something else.) Hopefully, if enough people play, this will be entertaining enough to get us through to the premiere.

I may also compose a few bad sentences myself, although obviously, I am not qualified to win my own contest. *g* Oh, and please feel free to pimp this!

Okay...go!

ETA: In response to a question: Yes, you can enter as many times as you want. *eg*

Comments

[rokeon.livejournal.com]

No one else knew how often Rodney, surfing the city's intranet while alone in his quarters at night, was reduced to tears by the cruel words he read about himself on atlantis_wank.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

OMG YES.

How is that simultaneously so scary and yet so very, very awesome?

[everagaby.livejournal.com]

Major Lorne wasn't sure what he missed more; chai lattes or having a vagina.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Another story that I'd read! Actually, that one's a story that I kind of wrote! *g*

[cerri44.livejournal.com]

As Rodney McKay gazed into the eyes of Hermiod he realized he had found his one true love.

[daydreamer.livejournal.com]

Rodney McKay liked his men like he liked his coffee: as much and as often as possible.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Strong! And in a paper cup!

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit, who was more surprised than anyone to discover that his perfectly round door (like a porthole) really was a porthole...to other worlds.

[dancinguniverse.livejournal.com]

And yet somehow that strikes me as ridiculously sweet rather than bad. Maybe I'm broken.

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" Rodney screamed as he flew over the masses.

(I'm done now. really.)

[pandarus.livejournal.com]

::cracks knuckles. chews bottom lip meditatively::

1) It was the day that Rodney's brain exploded.

2) John surprised and aroused in equal measure when he found out what Teyla's Solo Stick Sessions REALLY entailed.

3) Michael the Wraith picked up a copy of Oprah Magazine as he slid into place next to Galadriel and Lucius Malfoy, and tried to decide whether he had the nerve to go for a perm this time, or just to stick with having his roots done.

4) Ronon smiled shyly and stretched out his arms, as John stepped up behind him and pressed the full length of his body to the prow of the Titanic.

5) Legolas was the best lover that Rodney McKay had EVER had.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Those last three...the laughter just built and built and BUILT...

I think McKay/Legolas is what finally killed me. But there's angst ahead, because eventually Rodney would find out that his lover was really a retrovirused Wraith...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lemon_lyman_/]

I have nothing meaningful to contribute, I just wanted to say that this thread is singlehandedly responsible for my loosing track of time and ending up so late for work I'd just be locked out if I bothered to show up. On the plus side, I think I know how I'll be passing the time till I can get into the building tomorrow morning (so as to finish my work before anyone arrives and discovers I was a no-show today)

[zee.livejournal.com]

Wahahaha. Oh. The possibilities look like M-Theory. Right, let's see...

Rodney's azure orbs gleam brightly like pools of water -- pools of cynical blue water with little fishes swimming in them; then a shark eats the fish, and a squid jets ink at the shark, and John thinks he could drown inside that lustful inkiness forever.

[lydiabell.livejournal.com]

It's got insanely bad metaphors, purple prose and swoony!John! For the win!

[riva-today.livejournal.com]

*cracks knuckles* Here goes...

1
Moans echoed through the corridors, leaving no alcove unfilled, as the Marines clumped together, wild-eyed and nervously checking and re-checking their weapons. Lorne, back against the wall, thought it made sense in a warped way--tens of thousands of years of evolution and who knows what kind of tinkering--but he still was freaked out by all of the Athosians going into heat within the span of a few days.

2
Snap. All of the men in the crowded infirmary shuddered, like a wave flowing from one side of the room to the other.
"Oh good lord!" Carson exclaimed, dropping the box of gloves back onto the counter. "You can't all possibly be that kinky!"

[stellahobbit.livejournal.com]

::dies at #2::

Oh yes, yes they can.

this is such a great idea.

[graycastle.livejournal.com]

we could do it dan brown style: (http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/000844.html)

Renowned scientist and chief science officer Rodney McKay staggered into John Sheppard's bedroom, out of breath and red-faced, so John knew that the time had come for their relationship to go deeper.

or simply:

John will never forget the day that he became aware of his prostate.

Re: this is such a great idea.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Dan Brown style! Hee. That rocks. Also, thank you for linking to that article—I read it a while back and I've been trying to find it again for ages.

[siria]

Ever since he was a child, Rodney McKay's one regret was that he hadn't been born a pretty, pretty princess.

[shiny-starlight.livejournal.com]

*Dies*

Just... *dies from laughter*

[ceitie.livejournal.com]

Ronon rose to his full majestic height and, a note of bewilderment in his husky voice, growled, "I still don't understand why I have to wear the tiara."

[amyheartssiroc.livejournal.com]

*sporfle* I'd almost want to read this fic.

[melagan.livejournal.com]

Everytime John wore the red satin garterbelt he knew Rodney would make him cum bucketfuls

[lydiabell.livejournal.com]

So much wrong in such a short sentence.

[ellex42.livejournal.com]

Frighteningly, this is an actual sentence from a fic I'm writing:

Elizabeth, trying to figure out how to explain to Jeannie McKay the circumstances surrounding her brother's death, gave up on the story that involved Rodney dying heroically while saving a bunch of kids and decided to tell the truth: "Your brother was rendered brain-dead by a semi-corporeal alien nymphomaniac who had been molesting both your brother and the man who was his lover in shared hallucinations, if not in actual, physical fact."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lemon_lyman_/]

see, that's not frightening, it's fantastic! I keep wanting to read the fic, and it doesn't exist. Yours I (hopefully?) shall be able to track down and finish, and for that, you win at life.

Re: I can't believe I just wrote this...

[amyheartssiroc.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's like, Mary Sue in 30 Seconds. I'm impressed.

sounding my barbaric yawp

[laceymcbain.livejournal.com]

Atlantis rose from the sea--not at all like a Phoenix from the flames, but more like a particularly tall and awkward duck, shaking the beads of water from its oil-slick feathers, sounding a barbaric quack over the oceans of the planet.

(Very cool idea, Trin.)

Re: sounding my barbaric yawp

[allisnow.livejournal.com]

sounding a barbaric quack over the oceans of the planet.

*dies*

That right there deserves its own icon, I think.

[zellieh]

I love all these entries. They are just so, so funny. Here are my two twisted contributions:

1) As Beckett finished examining McKay, he looked, up at Shepperd, with horrified eyes, exclaiming, "It's worse than we thought, Colonel - They've stolen his brain!"

2) Overcome with despair and sobbing quietly John wiped away the tears as he snuck out onto the balcony, reaching into the pocket of his BUD's and pulling out a razor blade as he rolled back his sleeve...

[4amcoffee.livejournal.com]

Everyone on Atlantis was buzzing with excitement over Emperor President Bush's visit.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

Heh. Yes, that WOULD be awful!

Unless it turns out they're excited because they have a plan to feed him to the Wraith. I'd be more than cool with that!

[skeddy-kat.livejournal.com]

What fun!

Mckay’s sky blue, sapphire-hued eyes danced with sarcastic delight as he interrupted the late night picnic his best friend, team leader, and maybe – someday – lover had arranged on one of Atlantis’s many moonlit balconies with the newest space bimbo of the week to fall victim to the Major – no make that Colonel’s – Kirk like tendencies, announcing that Lizzie or, erm, Dr. Weir, wanted the senior staff in the control room to greet arriving visitors from Earth.

(And, yes, "Mckay" was on purpose. I get tired of reading it in stories.)

[veracity]

Oh god, I have to try this:

Hot and horny, John was ready to get to down to business with his boytoy Rodney, until his lover uttered the phrase "did you know Kavenugh made a porn video during that camcorder time"; suddenly, he felt violently ill, and a just a little turned on more too.


(And let me just say, my brain is very, very scared of itself now. I think I know why after realizing what my brain wrote.)

[melagan.livejournal.com]

I am giggling and going ewwww at the same time.

And, child that I am, I couldn't resist another...

[skeddy-kat.livejournal.com]

Kavanagh couldn’t believe no one at the SGC had acted on his last memorandum where he had proven irrefutably that those with any authority at all in Atlantis were, in actuality, hermaphroditic lycanthropes interested only in having sex in as many combinations as possible and they should put him in charge since he was not hermaphroditic, lycanthropic or having any sex at all.

Re: And, child that I am, I couldn't resist another...

[amyheartssiroc.livejournal.com]

Wow.

I have nothing more to say.

[lizamanynames.livejournal.com]

"What it comes down to, Samantha my dear," McKay said, awkwardly trying to pull his pants back up, "is that this would be much more satisfying if I didn't know you were an alternate universe clone who'd been brainwashed by the Ori into tying to pry information out of me. Also, I like men now."

((Okay, that's two lines, sue me.))

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

And once again: wait! I actually want to read that story! *g*

[chicklet-girl.livejournal.com]

Hermiod stretches his back, causing it to arch like a bow, or like a rainbow, or the roof of a Volkswagen Beetle, and asks, "Should we try to repeat the experience, Dr. Kavanagh?" and Kavanagh, his hair loose over his shoulders and his eyes slightly unfocused without his glasses on, runs his hand down Hermiod's smooth flank and says, "Please, call me Percy."

*******

This is where I start wishing brain-bleach actually existed.

[trinityofone.livejournal.com]

*meep*

And yet, at the same time, I find it almost romantic...

[lizamanynames.livejournal.com]

Apologies for the spam, inspiration struck.

It has been the best sex of his life, John couldn't deny that, even if at first the idea had seemed preposterous, horrifying, and more than a little nausiating - but in the end, it had been such a transcendant experience, he didn't need to know where Rodney had gotten the red inflatable Dalek; besides, he was still afraid to ask.

And yay for crack-fed crossovers:

"What's really bothering me," Rodney said, sucking his teeth in the vain hopes to get those last few molecules of the last of the coffee from them, "is not that Col. Mitchel is here, out of uniform, and apparently with a total case of amnesia, but that he a) is accomponied by a small, totally unknown but thoroughly repulsive alien lifeform, and b) seems to be using words nobody, even me has ever heard of before - I mean, seriously, what the hell is a frell?"

And short and sweet:

Ronon calmly licked the whip cream from his own ass and playfully flicked his fingers at Carson.